Day 56: Ten fold consequences

Give 10% consequence (believing you can get away with it) and you shall receive 100% consequences, so says Anu in this interview.

Otherwise he says, “no way to realize omg what have I done”.

This is something I have to take note of, I have a tendency to plot like a chess player to outsmart consequences, well not anymore, things are not that easy in reality now. 10 to 100 return is not worth it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize life is one web of interconnected wholeness, there are no secrets or isolated entities whom I can manipulate to serve my self-interest.  There will be 10 fold consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my plans to outsmart life to avoid consequences is ignorance and pure foolishness, as life is not at sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize anyone or anything however depleted, distant or downtrodden they appear to be, their innate life worthiness doesn’t diminish, therefore trying to ‘trick’ them to serve my interest is pure ignorance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that abuse towards anyone or anything is not without consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize every thought, word and deed is not without consequence, either they serve life as a whole or serve my self-interest.

And to say ‘just this one time only’ doesn’t cut it. But its so tempting ‘just one time only’, not seen/realizing ‘one time only’ is too many, as consequence is not for just repeat offenders.

I commit myself to remind myself that consequence is 10 fold now, I will be pretty dumb not to take this into consideration and correct my ways to serve life. Life interest is always here first.  And life interest is not just lip service, but shown in every thought, word and deed.

I commit myself to remind myself life is not a playground to outsmart and trick others to serve my self-interest. And my lifetime here is not playtime to have fun at the cost of manipulating others. Time to live responsibly, so that I may be an example of what it means to put life interest first.

Day 55: Family as survival system

Obviously there are practical and logistical reasons when deciding whom to invite or not for a family party, but if bloodlines is one of them, then you should know that family system has become part and parcel of the survival system. Nothing surprising there, basic benefit of the family is ease of survival. I can recall many times when I favored bloodlines/ties over even the half-blooded cousins, what to speak of others.

Disregard for non-bloodlines is appalling. There is only way to transcend this, self-forgiveness, re-birthing as life, because nothing else will do, certainly finding Jesus ain’t going do, there are Christian churches whose leadership is passed down from father-pastor to son-pastor, well that’s family dynasty, very nasty, preaching runs in the family they say, its actually survival system running deep in the family system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child learn that only my parents and siblings are my world, the rest can goto hell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child believe that only my parents and siblings I must care for, the others are non-existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child mistrust my cousins, my half blooded cousins, because they are not really part of the family bloodline. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no regard for my cousins and now for their children, they have basically become strangers by the generation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the false theory that only my bloodlines are my security and family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child learn to disregard others because the ‘other’ is not part of my bloodline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at the world thru bloodlines, who is in, and who is out, who is worthy and who is unworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child not speak out when I saw the cruelty that was done unto ‘non bloodline’ relatives, I realize as a child I didnt’ have much say or authority to direct it, yet in my adult years I would do the same. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider the non-bloodline relatives as utterly mistrustful hence must be kept out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create separation based on bloodlines, within that belief that some to be more worthy than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see some as more ‘worthy’ than others, very similar to how religions see some as ‘worthy of God’s grace’, or the capitalist system that sees some as ‘worthy winners’, in that many are condemned to eternal damnation or to a life of poverty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize ‘bloodlines’ give a stamp of worthiness, while condemning many as ‘outsiders’ unworthy, no different to religious or capitalistic system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am the living embodiment of the ‘bloodline system’, that favors some as more worthy. In this I see/realize change must start within me.

Bring this back to myself, how do I do this to myself, my own self-worth, if I disregard myself, not see my own worth, value, its pretty difficult to see it in others. Only way to transcend the bloodline family system is to birth myself as life, writing of self-forgiveness, and living the correction. Nothing will change out there, as long as I remain this survival based system. I am an alien to myself, my mind is favored, its more worthy than my body or being-ness, all my attention is given to the mind, its emotional and energy needs, physical is disregard, condemned, not much different to what the religious or the capitalistic systems are doing.

I commit myself to walk this long process of self-correction, thru writing, speaking of self-forgiveness, and living the corrective application. My mind shows me where I am at, is it more worthy than anything else? am I feeding my mind’s energy needs more than anything else?

When and as I see myself favoring bloodlines, I stop I breathe, and I direct myself to make decisions based on practical and logistical factors, not giving into the need that goes with the feeling of being part of the bloodline. I mean at death all blood becomes part of the earth, the physical, so if anything my real bloodline is the physical, anything that is physical here, and my mind is not part of that bloodline which will disappear at death.

Day 54: Fear of code reviews

In software development we have something called ‘code reviews’, usually the team members will give their feedback on the code changes you did, I always carried a dreaded feeling about this, because sometimes the feedback given is mostly subject to “I prefer this way,” or “this is how it must be done”, various personal preferences. Plus, they might actually ask specific questions about my fixes which means I must have a detailed knowledge about what’s I am doing, sometimes this is not the case, as if I understood enough to put the changes but not enough to answer some deep questions about why/how this way or that way. Bottom line is I see code reviews are like going to the principal’s office to be reviewed, and it can’t always go pleasant. And in the past I have had team members who are bit bossy type personalities and they do like it their way, which mean I am forced to accommodate their styles into how I code.  Last night lying in bed I was worrying and thinking about an upcoming code review for a new feature changes and that was giving me bit of anxiety. Same old same old.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear when my work is being reviewed critically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take code review comments and suggestions as a personal attack and personal disapproval.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will comment my code negatively, from the get go, without ever giving them a fair chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate code reviews to some sort of punishment and attack on myself, without seen it can be a learning opportunity to myself and others in the team. So not just me who participate in the fixes, but the whole team gets to give their suggestions, in that way it can be a collaborative team-work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the team as “them against me”, the same old ‘others vs me” mindset.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create anxiety within me about code reviews because I already assume they will comment it badly. This judgement is the root cause.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize its my own self-judgment, doubt and uncertainty about my work that’s creating the fear, as if I fear them being exposed and brought into light.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see/realize all the fears about others judging me only expose my own self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt and have no trust in my own understanding about the code, basically lack self trust and insecurity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize testing and demonstrated behavior of the fixes is one way to build the confidence. I understand the complexity of the system is huge, but step by step, trust and confidence can be build up, for this I require patience with myself, not beating myself up. And to be open to other’s ideas as they might see something that I overlooked.

Embrace suggestions and comments, without seen them as a personal attack on me. The code is owned by the company and the whole team is responsible to understand and fix it, so its only fair others give their critical comments and ask tough questions on the fixes I am doing. This is personal only if I take it personally.

But the deeper issue is self-judgement, hence the fear of any kind of critical feedback, seen them as an attack on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am on the attack, that I am a constant target for others. I see/realize people are mind systems, so attacking is nothing unusual, it makes them feel good, its a mind system pattern, not personal as such. And any reaction to that is equally a mind system patterned response. So I am allowing and participating in a mind game.

When and as I see myself to taking on the view that others are attacking me, that I am on the attack, I stop I breathe, within the realization that ‘attacks’ are mind system constructs, so they are bound to happen, but I also realize its possible for some real support to come thru in the mix, in that way, I take what’s supportive and drop the rest without a reaction. Also I commit myself to drop the idea that others are out there just to ‘get me’, while it may be true at a mind system’s survival level, but its not part to their true nature, being-ness. Until I stop reacting to the mind systems, I will continue to enhance them in others and in myself.

Day 53: Forgiving the survival system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the survival system means ‘survive at any cost’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize this is a ‘take no prisoners’ system, meaning nothing, nobody has any value/regard till I get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always operate within the mindset of making a good deal for, the return of investment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly be in the lookout for ‘what can I get out of this’, ‘what’s in it for me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn life into a trade, where everything is an interaction that gives me a good return, be it money, power, favors, sex, attention, love, influence, gang power, or high status, anything that can benefit me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have zero regard or attention for anyone, because I am always eyeing for a good deal, waiting for the right moment to cut the deal, rest is just chatter to get there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself do the exact same thing for the mind, always appeasing the mind, the mind always gets the best deal out of me. In that trade war, my mind always win, its emotions, feelings, desires, fears, are always met and given priority, while the rest of the body, myself as a being, serve the mind. No regard. Just like I have no regard for my body, myself, I treat others same way, no regard whatsoever, to give the feelings of power, feelings of surviving to my mind. Essentially my mind’s feelings, desires, fears, wants and needs must survive at any cost.

When and as I see myself to giving priority to my mind’s feelings, emotions, and thoughts, I stop I breathe, to ask the question, what’s the trade going on here, what’s the deal I am looking to cut, why am I trying to appease the mind at any cost?  Within that I take a breath to pause and ground myself until the survival system’s gripping energy is let go. To bring awareness is the first step, then pausing it breath by breath.

Day 52: Survival systems

During my 10th grade “big” exam, i.e. GCE O/L, my dad told me to jump to the river from the bridge if I fail the exam. That’s pretty much summarize the grip of ‘survival system’, meaning, if you cant’ make it, might as well die.

Very reason to exist is to survive, economically, socially, the family systems, money systems and all that. All interactions have underlying trade agreements, “what can I get out of this”, how can I manipulate and trick another to get what I want etc, be it money, favors, even attention, love, security, employment, all linked to survival systems.

The survival of money and mind’s energy. Getting boss’s attention may not be directly linked to money, but to be in his/her good books means assurance of employment, that ‘feeling’ of guaranteed employment, its quiet challenging to be in conflict with your boss, then the economic ground is always shaking. Here survival means creating that feeling of security with those who have power over you, to decide if you will have a job or not.

The survival system guarantees fear, and with constant fears in the background we’re always playing safe, playing games. Even in relationships/marriages, there is the fear “what if I won’t have any money”, will you still be with me, if I had zero money. Cant’ deny that thought, its there always.

Fears related to money is the driving force behind survival systems. Then comes other things of the mind, like desires, feelings, things that give us a high, can’t survive without them. When India and Pakistan threat each other with nuclear annihilation, its not done for money, but for a feeling of the mind, for a feeling of nationalism and superiority. This feeling or lack of it, activate the survival system, meaning, you got feel that feeling of superiority or nationalism, otherwise a sense of worthlessness, or insecurity kicks in, so easily one billion people can rally behind politicians to start a war so they can feel that feeling of superiority, or that feeling of pride of nationalism, to get that high.

Same with feelings that are totally personal like feelings that come from addiction to drugs, alcohol, porn, sex, depression, laziness etc, because they all give a feeling to the mind, a high, so the mind feels secure, safe, protected, cared for, essentially the mind feels its surviving, hence the essence of the survival system.

The mind says, I have to survive no matter what, be it with a feeling I want or with money, of course money’s end result is to give that feeling of security. Power over others is a feeling, all consuming feeling when you’re a leader of a country, instead of serving the nation, all consuming power consumes you, your mind get so used it and addicted to it, and it wants more, so as a president or PM, it becomes a matter of survival to have more power at your finger tips, you will soon forget why you were elected in the first place.

Not being a slave to these feelings of the mind is the first step to overcome the power of survival system. So not consumed by money fears, not consumed by fame, favors, positions or wanting a feeling of security from those who have authority over you, not wanting to feel protected from the authorities. Have you notice how people love their troops but dont’ give a damn about veterans? Army gives a great feeling, not the homeless war vet. Same with talking to a police officer, I have notice how people bend their backs when talking to officers, its almost like godly veneration to the agents of the system, because it gives them a sense of security to be in the good books with the police. (not saying do the otherwise, but note the system at play). Same thing at play when sucking upto the boss, wanting to feel secure. The janitor is almost a non-existing human, not even worthy to say hi to him as he cannot give me any feeling.

The family of course is another rotten place where survival systems run high. The feeling of power in numbers, social status, having a home, house, extended relatives, the bigger the crowd greater the power. And who is in or who is out is strictly controlled, not anyone can just walk in and be part of the family. Marriage plays big role in that, who you will marry, or who you’re allowed to marry, all that will alter the power status of the family. “Oh my son-in-law is a heart surgeon”, vs “this low cast bastard my daughter shag with is an animal”,  and possibly leading to the sudden death of that young man. And if the daughter shags with a westerner, that’s enough reason to kill her and call it ‘honor killing’.

Isn’t that part of the survival system? The mind falls apart, can’t bear to see his daughter with a foreigner, it creates an intense feeling of betrayal, loss, shame, loss of pride, family honor, so much so, it will justify murder of their daughter.

And the type of kids we allow our children to be friends with, this is another big survival thing.  The family status of that kid, will they fit in with ours? What kind of jobs that kid’s parents do? doctors or janitors? Are they blacks? refugees? which neighborhood do they live? what religion, nationality, caste, are they? I can vividly recall these things at play. what is the root cause? The survival of our family, the survival system going big here.

Are they civilized or barbarians? that’s another thing survival system use to justify itself, even to declare war. Saddam Hussian was a barbarian, the butcher of Baghdad, let’s go get him. And the normal citizens will approve that war because it gives them a feeling of ‘civilized’, your survival system feels civilized, with that feeling secured, you can obliterate other countries, like Iraq, Libya, and a whole lot more thru the ages, ever since man armed himself.

What’s the solution? Answer is both long and short. The short answer is: don’t trust your feelings, and see everyone as yourself. While taking practical steps yes to survive in this dog eat dog world, i.e have a roof over your head and food on the table. And yes that may include not socializing as equals with ex-convicts or homeless drug addicts. But with the deepest awareness, that I must be a solution to create a world where everyone has an equal chance for a life of dignity and worth, how to do that is the long answer.

But for now, it starts with me, with what I allow and accept within me, that I have been always doing for the survival systems to survive at any cost.

No one will ever have to jump off a bridge because they found the going is tough, and if they did, I would have accepted and allowed that.

Day 51: Lion 6, Animals 0

Looking at a recent soccer game that got suspended due to racial hooliganism. In group settings some brainwashing/mindsets can go on the top gear, the hooliganism/herd  mentality can kick in pretty quick, and add a bit of alcohol, things can easily get ugly. So called nice people can easily go not so nice. There are variations to this, from violence to subtle mannerisms, all form the collective madness.  It all starts with what self has accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to hooliganism behavior of others, not seen/realizing myself I have participated in herd behavior. It just when I am not part of the herd I react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a victim when I observe the subtle herd behaviors and expressions from others, even though they were not directed at me, but I took them personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically believe that I am a target, not seen/realizing anyone who fits a social label can be a target at the wrong time, wrong place, not personal but the consequence can be, then it becomes part of the manifested consequence for everyone/humanity. Its not the just the targets who bear the rage of hooligans, but all of humanity has to bear the manifested consequence. In that I am equally responsible to end herd mentality within myself. Can’t say lets stop the hooligans who made into evening news but I can continue my herd ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize how all this madness will end, it can only end when I stop the herd mindsets/behaviors/expressions within myself. Certainly reacting wont’ the help correct it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize there is a drugged like experience/feeling when part of a herd, this I can see myself desiring to experience, to feel that power, the power of the numbers, the gang, and combine it with alcohol this must be heavenly, this desire itself makes it impossible to stop, because I am actually allowing it, b’c I wish I was part of the gang.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to hooligans, because they are showing me what I have allowed within myself, what I have done in the past or wish to be part of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself blame and scold others for the very thing that sits dormant within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see/realize certain global mindsets, genetic and generational mindsets, are already here, reacting/blaming them may not get me any closer to a solution.

Who will stand as a solution? and what qualities self must hold on? certainly blame, reaction, feeling like a victim, or desiring to experience gang power, can’t be.

When and as I see myself reacting to gang power, herd power, hooliganism, I stop I breathe, within the realization that manifested consequence is already here, it will create havoc, we have to walk thru this, also realizing for any solutions to take birth, I as life in the physical must stand as a solution, and that includes not reacting, blaming, or going into victim state.

 

Day 50: Give a smile

When the mind is racing with 1000 things, focusing on one point to write about is a challenge. But start writing, allow the flow of words and thoughts to take form, in that a focal point may emerge, otherwise the excuse I have nothing to write about can easily take over. And there is the point about ‘writing for the sake of writing’, true that may sound rather mechanical, but that’s how to kick start this process of writing, its a long road before the written/spoken word become a living word.

I have been listening to this eqafe interview about harmony, in that Anu explains some practical points about ‘give and receive’, even a small gesture like giving a smile, instead of walking around like an emotional zombie, can have an affect, you give a smile, and may receive one, its a smallest of gestures, yet how often do I walk around like a fucking zombie lost in emotional chaos of the mind looking angry and pissed off at the world (and myself). And I wonder why I have hard time connecting with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk around like an angry emotional zombie devoid of any smiles or presence within myself. Not giving even a moment to recognize another’s presence because I am so lost in the mind chaos within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not acknowledge the presence of others within the excuse that I have a lot going, too occupied to think about stuff within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only give when I can get something back in return like a true capitalist, only give when the return of my investment is a good one.  That’s when the smile becomes a trick, it is given to trick the other so that I can get something back, like a favor later on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize walking around like a zombie, in that I am giving my emotional chaos to others, in that likely to receive in kind. When I give myself as presence I receive presence, yet without making it an investment deal.

The point is as the day goes by, what of me am I giving to others?

When and as I see myself walking around like a zombie, lost in emotional mind states, I stop I breathe, and gather myself, shoulders up, heads up, in that giving a moment of myself as I would like to receive, giving presence to receive presence. Correction of posture is one thing, but the presence of self, mind is another, I see/realize to be aware of my presence, what I am carrying within myself, as it impulses and resonates into the physical, and others pick that up.