It is true sometimes I am not that good in certain tasks that I am responsible for, there is certainly room for improvement. But the problem is fear, fear of others noticing my own fear and self-judgment of not being good enough.
Practically observing the need to improve vs fear of not being good enough are different things. In my case I realize there is room to improve, talking about work context here, there is the need to study more, experiment more, understand various aspects of the software more. But I also have an irrational fear, a fear of others seen me as not good enough.
Honestly looking at it, I have not put my 100% into understanding, studying the material, just kept myself to the low hanging fruits of the system, obviously the system is very complex, still it is expected that everyone in the team develop mastery of the code/system. I mean there can’t be mysterious or alien parts of the code, like avoiding a plague I have avoided certain parts of the system, and now its coming to haunt me. Very similar to how we avoid certain parts of our minds, we suppress them very quickly, as if they don’t exist, but sooner or later, the mind and its memories will haunt us down.
So during my annual performance review today, I was reminded that I have not mastered the entirety of the system, which is factually true, I have not mastered many parts of it, and I mistook this feedback as ‘seen me as not good enough’.
So few things: fear of the system, avoiding the system, hiding from the system, and others noticing my fear of the system, which in turn I fear, meaning I fear others seen me as ‘the fearful one’, its a shame to reveal my fears. I would rather people see my strengths and accomplishments, I want to highlight my achievements of the last year, my glories, I want to feel great about what I did, and I want others to see how great my work is, and how great I am.
While my boss recognized my achievements but he was quick to demonstrate my weakness, and this I took as a personal attack. This is very similar for wanting others to see the ‘positive side’ of me, and at all cost I dont’ want them to see my ‘negative side’. When others focus on my positive side, I feel more positive, more positive energy, that pat on my back, that compliment, that energy boast to my ego etc, while any ‘negative remark’ is vicious rejected because then I am forced to look at my ‘negative side’, which is not pleasant, its negative feeling to look at negative things. Same reason why some spiritual people only like ‘love and light’, because it feels good, sweet and wonderful, and the same people hate it if you show them the ugliness, the realities of this world, they rather put a positive spin on, “Oh the universe is teaching them a lesson about starvation”.
SO today I got less of ‘love and light’, but more of ‘ugliness’ about the reality of my work/world situation. I have few choices, at least my mind has been throwing them for last few hours non-stop, that’s one reason why I wanted to write this blog today, to check the mind. here are mind’s choices:
- quit the job right now, tell the boss to fuck off.
- ask for a long vacation, say I need some time to process the ‘negative energy’ etc
What a disaster it would be to quit the job, this is similar to suicide when the dark parts of the mind is shown, “oh I can’t take it anymore, I going to kill/quit myself’. Not good. And long vacation option is equally bad, that’s self-pitiful spite, essentially I want to hurt my boss by not going to work, this is self-stupid and self-spiteful. I think it will hurt him, it won’t, he will ask another person to fix my part of the system, and I will be only worrying while on my spiteful vacation.
The 3rd option is, to face the negative side, the dark side of the system, the side I fear, face it, jump into it, study it, experiment it, try things out, learn it, master it. Just like looking into the dark corners of the mind, that one terrible memory, yep same thing. At least I am giving myself the chance to try. So these are the gifts of the performance review today, all that ‘negative energy’ is a gift, its forcing me to look at what I have avoiding like a plague.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love the love and light, the positive energy of things, and absolutely fear and hate the negative side of things, not see/realizing, as long as I avoid the negative it will continue to exist, as I resist it will persist. In that I see/realize my fear of the dark/negative side only grows, as I have not faced it. And moreover, I fear revealing this fear to others, therefore always wanting to present my positive sides, achievements etc, not admit to others ‘hey there parts of the code/system I rather not go’, essentially I have not helped myself and caved myself a hiding spot.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dark side, the negative side, and I allow myself to grow the fear of it, so much so, I am afraid anytime now others may notice how fearful I am. Solution is: face it , dive into it. deal with it.
I commit myself to face the darkest parts of myself, the negative parts of myself, in that way, I see/realize I will be able to embrace and fix the negative/dark parts of myself and this world. As long as I fear the darkness, I remain in darkness.
So not a bad performance review day after all.