day 114: hectic mondays

day 114: hectic Mondays

#Sharing, #desteni #eqafe, #JTL #Writing

One of those mind-hectic mondays today, at times I felt powerless, as if the day’s stuff had the power to dis-empower me. How can this be, if I direct myself moment by moment, and give myself enough pauses and rest to face thru the day, but the problem is I was rushing, not giving myself that moment to step back in the fear to slow down, as if slowing down I will lose something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear slowing down, within the fear that if slow down i might miss out or lose something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a moment to slow down, to settle down within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must rush, must look busy, must achieve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about what others think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mistrust myself, and within that want to project a false image of myself, my ego, wanting to appear important and superior, instead of just being myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a false self, instead of being just who I am, in the silence of the moment, of myself, because in that silent moment everything is equal, no power exists, no superiority, no fear no personalities exist, just me here I am as silence in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be humble, and in that wanting to project a false self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, and believe that others are judging me, not seen/realizing I am projecting my own self-judgement onto others, and conclude that others are judging me.

It was a hectic day because my mind was hectic, I didn’t direct myself, create a moment to settle and calm down within myself.

When and as I see myself, my mind in a hectic rattled up state, I pause, I take a break, give myself a moment, instead of trying to project a false self to hide my uncertainties within me, I see/realize I will only compound the situation by trying to be a false personality, giving myself a quiet moment is the best remedy, till I regain composure to face the practical points of a busy day.

Who I am is the one constant, no matter what, and who I am is a self-direction thing, moment by moment, but if I get caught in the mind, then who I am is just that, equal to my mind, unsettled, rattled up and hectic.

I direct myself to breathe, take moments for myself, to collect and gather myself, to be just myself, instead of carrying a false personality.

Inspired by #desteni

Day 113: Revenge

Day 113: Revenge

#Sharing #desteni #eqafe #Writing #JTL

Revenge, I have good reasons and memories to justify revenge, that’s the thing about revenge, its totally justifiable, like a good lawyer, I can convince myself that Revenge is the way to go. But revenge is endless, you can go on and on, for eternity revenge can be justified. I do realize humans say and do nasty things, not cool at all, yet when I am presented with a moment, will I chose revenge? Will I bring up the past, will I justify revenge, I really do feel like it. Mind loves revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have all the reasons and memories to justify revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that even god is on my side, because I have plenty good reasons to justify revenge, its so obvious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe they deserve to be punished, and I must take revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people are evil and should never give them a chance to redeem themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that nasty people are forever nasty, no redemption at all, within that justify revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remind the nasty people how nasty they were once upon a time, in that keeping the justifications for revenge alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the power of revenge.

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that some people deserve revenge, while I deserve forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the urge and reasons to take revenge, and just waiting for the right moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I might be a target of revenge, as I haven’t’ really forgiven myself for the things I have said and done. What I cant’ give to myself, I cant’ give to another. If I can’t forgive myself, how can I forgive another, within that revenge continue to exist.

Revenge is only possible in the absence of forgiveness, of self-forgiveness.
This is a good point to take on in my private writings, to face every person in my life, past and present, and forgive my hidden anger towards them, which is what grows into revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take revenge because it feels good, feels justified, an eye for an eye.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can’t rest till I get revenge.

In wanting to take revenge, I am creating a burden within me, a cell within me, in which I am my own prisoner, revenge is a burden. so I direct myself to release this with self-forgiveness, walking thru every point of justification and reason that I harbor in the hope to take revenge.

I commit myself to walk thru the list of primary people in my life, past and present, and forgive every point of revenge I harbor against them, there is simply no other way, otherwise the reasons, memories, and justifications will echo, just waiting for the opportune moment to take revenge.

I can let go of the revenge of my ego, this is letting go of a huge burden.

Inspired by #desteni

Day 112: Learn from criticism

Day 112: Learn from criticism

#Sharing #desteni #eqafe #JTL #Writing

Why is that I fear or go into reactions when my work or something about me is constructively criticized? Why can’t I learn something from the constructive words of another? Obviously once I established their words as not intended to be nasty or spiteful, rather to correct some of my ways, then why can’t I reflect on their words? What’s so panicky about their feedback?

Well childhood memories, where criticism was the name of the game, just putting down, outright nasty and mean, it was never criticism for the sake of making improvements, rather to put down as much as possible as a method of punishment. Within that I have equated and learned that all criticism as some form of attack on me, some threat on me, some punishment on me etc.

This is not the case anymore, but that’s how I have conditioned myself over the year of growing up. This can be changed. That’s why there is self-forgiveness, to undo the past learning and relearn something new, something more supportive, but for that I must let go, honestly forgive myself, forgive my past, so that there is space to learn something new.

Past hurts, past memories, no longer serve me, so why do I hold on them? why do I want to recall and condition myself based on those memories? It has become part of my story, part of who I am, and to some degree perhaps I like to hold onto them. That’s the weird part, wanting to hold onto a story that’s not so supportive to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear criticism.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take any criticism very personally, as if I am being attacked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all criticism as personal attacks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to believe that all criticism as threats and punishments.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to associate criticism to punishment, being punished, expelled, even put to death, as if criticism is the step before death.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to automatically assume all criticism as pathways to punishment, torture, even death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to goto intense fear on the face of criticism, based on past memories.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see criticism as some form of indictment, just a step before torture.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being tortured to death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being beaten to death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being fired from work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being expelled from a team or a group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being dumped by a lover.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being disowned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being evicted and homeless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having money.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being abandoned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being left-out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see criticism as the step before punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see all those who criticize me as enemies, they are out there to get me, to torture me, their mission is to get me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate criticism to great impending danger.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see criticism as a potential gift, it has support, words on how to correct and better myself, and not all criticism is an indictment.

Past conditioning, doesn’t’ help. I am learning to see criticism as a gift, to see how another’s words can support me, there is absolutely no need to dismiss another’s words or dismiss them with rage, instead I commit myself to embrace criticism, within the understanding there is support even in the most harsh criticism. Common sense of course to leave aside another’s words if they are intended as spiteful.

I commit myself to embrace criticism, as I see/realize and understand my old program isn’t valid anymore, criticism is not intended to send me to the gallows, rather see another’s words are a gift, to see how I can correct my ways, learn from another. In this I turn fear into gratitude, instead of fearing another’s words, I embrace them with gratitude. I commit myself to learn from criticism, in fact another took their time and effort to give me feedback, if anything I owe them my gratitude not my repulse or rage.

When and as I see myself reacting and taking criticism personally, I stop I breathe, I take a moment of silence to let the old programs to slow down, and direct myself to embrace the criticism and learn from that. I realize my old fears only from learned patterns, they are no longer valid.

Criticism doesn’t’ mean death or torture. I can let go of this fear. My old stories are not valid anymore, I can let them go. I can write a new story. I can own a new story, and embracing criticism is part of it, taking another’s words as gifts to correct my ways.

Inspired by #desteni

day 111: Tired of life

day 111. Tired of life.

#Sharing #JTL #desteni #eqafe #Writing

Lately, there is a general tiredness within me, as if I am tired of life, tired of everything, not seen/realizing this fatigue comes from the mind, from overthinking, from not been physical, and from not applying the basic tools to support myself, and giving into excuses and resistances, and lack of self-creation, and so on.

Seems like a mountain ahead, obviously if I look at it that way, it is what I will see, instead see the problem in steps, take the small steps, practical steps to get out of this tiredness of life, of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let problems overwhelm me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let moods and feelings overwhelm me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let situations and challenges overwhelm me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let stimulation from others and lack-thereof overwhelm me and go into over thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of despondency, instead of finding a way out of problems, and situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly believe that running away as a solution to problems, in the hope that someone or something will take care of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in hope, in the hope of other things or people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind and escape into entertainment and music, instead of using them for a moment of pleasure and something to enjoy, I have turned entertainment and music into a place to hide, to avoid, to escape. Time is truly wasted, and things I commit to do are not done, in that creating a sense of burden within me, things are ‘waiting’ to be done, and this wait is creating the weight within me, resulting in the fatigue, tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize there is no escape, from self, I have to face myself, head on. The emergence, the call to change self is happening, I like it or not, I can only hide from it so much, eventually I will have to face myself fully and take the steps the change self. I mean this rebirthing of self process is not a side order, its a life order, like it or not. My only choice is how, what path, I will chose to change myself to. So far I have been hiding, avoiding, escaping and postponing. At some point this escaping must end.

I have and know all the tools, have listened to hundred of videos and interviews, and with ample support, still I believe i can escape this process, avoid it, hide from it, do it another time, not seen/realizing I am not cheating anyone but myself. I am putting off my own rebirth process, and this is tiring, the waiting to start/restart my process, that wait is the weight, creating the tiredness within me, instead of simply doing it, taking the steps to change myself. It’s obvious to me how I live my life, my focus, my attention, are not in line to change myself to a better version of myself, rather I am chasing desires, energetic highs, while physical time slowly ticks away, this one chance to change myself here on the physical is slowly slipping away.

Yet this process is not complicated, not that I have to put my life on hold to walk the process, my life is my process, just that I need to direct and apply the tools, and participate in self-creation and expansion. Take apart the mountain into the practical steps and just walk them, unburden the burden step by step.

A sense of burden is accumulating, this is where the weight, the fatigue comes from. I am burdening myself, by postponing, procrastinating, inactivity, etc. Process requires my participation, action, direction, breathing, and no escape or hiding from it. Life demands I change, existence demands I change. Everything in the universe has changed, its man only, myself still putting it off, this is pure arrogance to some degree on my part.

And stop the comparison, the process is not a game or a competition, or a deadline to meet, first will be the last and the last will be the first, as the saying goes, so who am I trying to compete against or outsmart in this process? True there is no deadline, but time in the physical is limited, and wasting it is deliberate self spitefulness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize with procrastination and postponement, I am actually being self-spiteful, as I arrogantly believe that I have ample time to do this process in this life time, so why bother. In that creating and contributing to the fatigue I am sensing within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize every time I postpone something I am creating a ‘waiting’ for that something to be done, in that wait I am creating the weight within me, resulting in tiredness of self and life.

how can I be tired of life, life is existence, myself as life is suppressed within what I have accepted and allowed within me, creating the reality that I am tired of life, and escaping to avoid this reality of myself.

Basically all this boils down to taking on more responsibility, not avoiding or escaping self-responsibility. Things are piling up because I am avoiding to take on the responsibility to face them, resolve them. This process is not some magic path or a location to retreat to, its simply taking on responsibility to things and people in my life, directing my life, within the principles and tools of what’s best for all. For this, I need to take the steps.

When and as I see myself ‘avoiding’ or ‘escaping’ I flag it, asking myself what is the responsibility I am avoiding? And accordingly direct myself to face that very thing head on. I realize my life of avoiding and escaping responsibility is shameful, and wasteful.
While it’s not too late, but there will come a time when it will be too late, so I direct myself to look at my life, look at how I am avoiding/escaping and stop them.

Inspired by #desteni

Day 110: Give self a moment daily

Day 110: Give self a moment daily.

Sharing #JTL #desteni #eqafe #Writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, the writing process is a moment of sitting down with self, to reflect, to look within, to forgive and let go.

I see/realize there is no alternative to this, yet I postpone, ignore within the belief that I can ‘work things out’ by just thinking thru them. I see/realize writing is a physical act, whereas thinking is not.

I commit myself to not beat myself up on this, instead give myself a moment daily to sit down, to write things out, writing to right myself.

I commit myself to see/realize that there is no process without the application of basic tools, these are the foundation, and if ignore them or postpone, its my making of my own fall.

Inspired by #desteni

Day 109: Let them be

Sharing #SelfForgiveness #desteni #eqafe #JTL

day 109: Let them be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be righteous and judge others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see/realize that I am becoming righteous when I judge others for their apparently lack of consideration, care, goodness, etc, and further not see/realize in that righteous judgment I am becoming the very thing I judge, where is my consideration?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and consider, that others like myself have a mind, a mind conscious system, that only seeks its own survival at any cost by design, therefore their apparently behaviors are to be understood, not judged.

I commit myself to allow them to be, it is their own process to walk and correct their ways, till then, I can at least let them be, without imposing a righteous judgment onto them, and been a living example is the best thing I can do for them.

I remember there was someone who didn’t judge me, no words to explain the experience, so much so, in the absence of any judgments, my own self-judgments momentarily disappeared, it gave me a moment of real peace and sense of self-acceptance. It’s an incredible gift to not to judge another.

When and as I see another’s behavior as lack of consideration, care etc, I stop I breathe, and I let them be, I let them walk their own process, not imposing my own righteous judgment onto them.

And taking things back to self, I commit myself to investigate how I am doing or have done the very things that I judge, in that way turning difficult moments into gifts, its another key I can use to unlock myself.

Inspired by #desteni

Day 108: Purpose

#Sharing #Writing #Purpose #desteni #JTL

What’s the purpose of my process? What’s my starting point? I should have asked this question on day one, but its never too late, as it seems sometimes I am not properly aligned with why I am walking this process. at least there is a lack of seriousness of purpose in self-application. So many points are presented to me, but I don’t dive into them, another layer of the onion is left untouched.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be diligent with the patterns that I encounter, not seen/realizing when I see a redflag, its time to dive in, go deeper and see how I am living it, how I have become the living flesh of mind-patterns so much so I can’t even notice them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I am not good at detecting mind patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize when the mind is dictating, directing, I am living patterns, as I am not the directive principle, I as life force, substance directive principle is gone missing and suppressed.

I commit myself to be more aware about my thoughts, words and deeds, so that I can detect the patterns that I am living. I realize even though there is a vast library of patterns I could be living, but in each moment I am living only few of them, so I realize the excuses are not valid, as I am able to see my thoughts, my intentions, my words and actions, and accordingly can realign them to what’s best for all, which includes what’s best for me.

Becoming aware of my mind is the purpose, instead of living by the automation of the mind, I commit myself to live by my own directive principle. In this I support myself with the basic tools, eqafe recordings, blogs, not seen/realizing everything is here, all that is needed is my diligent self-application.

Inspired by #desteni

Day 107: Sounding Self-Forgiveness daily.

I have started to practice sounding self-forgiveness daily, something so easy to ignore. Some days I just can’t get to writing, but no excuse to speak some SF for 10-15 minutes. Additionally I am uploading it to soundcloud, as a record to daily sounds. This can help me to hear my own sound as well.

#Sharing #JTL #desteni #selfForgiveness #eqafe

Bernard once said, “Leave 10,000 documents and 10,000 videos”, as a record of one’s process. Well, I may not meet that number, but at least 1000 should be doable.

I commit myself to sound self-forgiveness daily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize sounding self-forgiveness is the foundation of this process to birthing life thru the physical. I see/realize and understand until self-forgiveness becomes a daily application, I will simply remain an automatic robot just unconsciously and insanely living my system life chasing after whatever the mind dictates.

Self-forgiveness is the key to unlock my true self, and why would I want to postpone this?

Inspired by #desteni

Day 106: Fear of silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear silence within me. Always wanting to fill myself up with some noise or entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize who I am truly within me is ‘nothingness’, or ‘silence’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize its the mind as me that’s fearing the silence. Mind doesn’t like silence, it likes constant chatter and noise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see/realize in silence I can see my mind in its naked truth, but the noise blocks it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize who I am as mind conscious systems, as mind patterns is clearly visible in silence, which then I can correct. This is the process, rebirthing of life is not an academic course, its about self-realization thru correcting the mind patterns thru self forgiveness and self correction. Because who I am right now is a totally conditioned and preprogrammed automatic robot, with little to no power to make any choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize this is a perpetual journey, moment by moment, breath by breath, because everyone moment some mind pattern is active, I am driven by it, be it as some thought, fantasy, fears, even actions. The system, the interdimensional mind system is active all the time, and I am its slave.

In this I see/realize process is continuous, every moment, to dig deep into myself, every moment I have ask myself what’s going on, what’s up within my mind, I can’t take foot off the breaks because MCS is at it all the time.

This is my journey to life. Day by day, breath by breath.

Inspired by #desteni

Day 105: Mind is racist by design

As long as you have a mind conscious system, fair to say it will play whatever trick to divide, group, categorize people, and racism is one of those things, no different to the caste system in India.

I generally avoid calling people racist, even though their behavior/words could be outright racist. Because even the most racist person, if they apply the self-forgiveness application over a number of years, their racist mindset can change dramatically, not only they will stop the abuse of racism, but they will speak about Equality and Oneness, the equality of all life etc. The transformation is absolutely amazing.

Myself I am a racist person, I have tendencies of superiority towards some people in this world, its quiet shocking when I notice this. Yes I do feel a sense of shame, obviously I am not going out of my way to shout racist rants against those people, its more subtle in my case, I may not befriend them easily, certainly not into dating them or marrying one of their girls. I have come to the conclusion that racism was planted into human minds eons ago, for divide and conqueror.

All that is reality, but that doesn’t mean any group of people should be subject to discrimination and abuse, things like police brutality etc. Everyone deserves respect, care, safety, employment and equal consideration, etc etc. My racist tendencies is not a reason to implement government policies that are racist.

Equality is the principle we must aim to achieve in our policies.

All men/women are created equal. The government must reflect that.

In terms of the racist tendencies of my mind, I am walking a self-forgiveness process to de-construct my mind, to purify it from all the nonsense I acquired since my early childhood. This is the only solution to divisions and separations that exists in my mind.

Racism like the caste system is about division and separation.

Once the separation within ends, all separation without ends. I am not even equal and one to my own body, I am fragmented within myself, within my mind, body and being.

The day self-equality is establish, I will be happy to report, my racist tendencies would naturally end as well, till then, I am a potential racist.

self-forgiveness is the ONLY way out of this crisis.

I commit myself to walk this self-forgiveness process till I breathe my last breath, in that to support myself to undo the separations that exist in mind. In that I may someday rebirth myself as a non racist person in the physical.

Inspired by #desteni