Day 13: Emotional energy of politics

Emotional energy of political campaigns, yes this is something I have to be careful about, getting all sucked into hope and excitement of politics, specially those presidential campaigns in US. Politics is a serious responsibility, without changing the laws of the land ain’t going to change anything. Here I like to remind myself to just stick to policies that are best for all, at least best for most. Not to follow a personality cult or identity politics or even promotion of my preferred ideologies. This is where I tend to get all consumed by the energy of politics, the excitement and hope etc, then it can lead to feelings of disappointment or even to break down other candidates and their supporters.

People are drawn to different candidates for whatever reasons that I may or may not understand, and their reasons could be valid, even if they aren’t valid, it’s a place and time in their lives that drives them to certain candidates. Back in 2016 I seriously supported one candidate, but this time around I switch my support to another new candidate, for things like #BasicIncome which the former didn’t promote. This switch is unbelievable almost heartbreaking considering how much I promoted the former back then.

Different time and place, now I am drawn to this new person and his policies, but this doesn’t’ suddenly give me the right to knockdown the former candidate or his supporters. Different time and place, we are drawn to different candidates, it’s a process to learn what’s best for all and to learn which candidates and their policies will serve the best for most. Tolerance is the key. I have supported leaders in the past whom I am not very proud of now, with my latest understanding, so time and place changes us.

So this new person I am supporting, even that is not about the person, but the policies he stood for. It should never be about the politician, the person, but only the policies they promote. Of course the true character of the person will eventually come to surface, regardless how good their policies are, so if there is a big mismatch, people will see it and never be elected. Things like ‘likeable’, ‘electable’, ‘charming’, ‘charismatic’, ‘well-spoken’, things that mainstream media likes to keep us busy with are useless factors. But sadly we are drawn to such things too. I remember during the early days of Obama campaign back in 2007 or 08,  how mesmerized I was by his eloquent ‘well-spoken’ speeches and ‘hope and change’ promises he made, all came to nothing as history will recall, obliteration of Libya is a good example, and wall street got plenty while main street got nothing. Back then I missed to dig into policies before I declare my support to anyone, just went with ‘excitement’, ‘hope’, ‘change’, ‘likeable’, ‘charming’, things like that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize policies are the only reason to cast my support for any political candidate. We can debate about the means and methods and howto implement those, but policies, principles should never be compromised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose candidates based on how ‘electable’, ‘likeable’, ‘charming’, ‘charismatic’,  ‘eloquent’ they are, instead of studying their detailed policies and principles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a cult, hero like attitude towards candidates that I like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn politics into entertainment not seen/realizing the seriousness of politics, the responsibility it entails. I realize nothing will ever change if we don’t change the laws of the land, its done thru politics. Therefore I realize political activism is a serious responsibility, should be based on policies that are best for all.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to turn candidates into heroes, the good guys who will fight against the bad guys like in a movie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike, judge those who hold different candidates and policies as their first choice. Not seen/realizing myself I have switch my support based on what appealed to me the most in different times.  So this doesn’t’ give me the right to knockdown anyone who prefers a different candidate.

I will simply promote what I view as the best policies that will serve the most, and if majority of the voters resonate with that message, then by the democratic rule of majority rule, it shall be voted and shall become laws of the land, until such time there is no readiness for new policies. That’s how it is, until a minimum but a sufficient majority of voters are ready to accept new policies, everyone has to wait.  Government is the will of the people after all. As one, it is my responsibility to promote and educate, but never to take in the emotional energy of politics, simply stick to policies.

All the keys are here.

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Day 12: is it ever too late?

Obviously when the time is up, it’s too late, and that point will come sooner or later, but to entertain or use ‘too late’ as a justification for inaction is unacceptable, some inmates while waiting execution in death row, have known to sign up for college degree programs and completed, why you may ask, what’s the point, he/she is going to die anyways, so why bother, that’s the point, being alive here/now, living here gives all the reason to act, and it’s really never too late.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘its too late’ as an excuse for inaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe its ‘too late’ for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have missed the boat so ‘its too late’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, being alive, living here/now, gives me all the reasons to act, create, and take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use past mistakes as further justification for inaction, as if I had missed the boat, missed the chance, so its ‘too late’ now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see/realize life is here, this moment, now, I can create anew, do, act, participate, and in that enjoy, where is the ‘too lateness’ in action, I see/realize this ‘too lateness’ is only an excuse, like laziness to inact, it’s not valid. When it’s actually too late, it will arrive like a chief in the night, I may not even know it’s too late.

So here, 2019 just kicking starting, back to first day of work today, there is nothing late about it, back to routine, taking care of the body, physical, living space, relationships, work, promoting political activities, promoting desteni bring the message to many, giving myself more self-care, paying attention to money, so carelessness is real but not ‘too lateness’. If anything I have been careless, and continue to be so by using ‘too late’ as a cover, the real issue is I am careless about many things. Self-care, lead to caring to every aspect of my life, in that any little time used is valid, no room for ‘too lateness’.

all the keys are here:

Day 11: Reacting to bureaucrats

Bureaucratic offices like most Human Resource offices, they operate very much to the rule, not much space for adjustments. Not talking here about breaking the laws, or asking for any favors that may jeopardize the office holders. But yeh I was asking for a favor as in borrow off time from future, to which I didn’t’ get a positive response. I reacted. I deserve it, I worked so hard, so I deserve to borrow from future. I have a good credit rating, so I should borrow as I wish. blah blah. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the response within the belief that “they didn’t give me what I deserve”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am mistreated by the bureaucratic office.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the belief that “I deserve more than what I have acquired”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize things like hours of work, hours of vacation time, hours of sick leaves follow set rules, there is not a whole lot of space for adjustments. Within this I forgive myself for reacting when I am told the fact, “I don’t’ have enough accumulated vacation hours” to take time off as I wish, within this I forgive myself for not seen/realizing these are FACTS, not some made up beliefs/plot against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity myself believing that I am mistreated by the bureaucrats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the facts are here, clearly the facts indicate that I dont ‘have sufficient accumulation of hours.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a big plot against me, the whole bureaucracy is plotting against me, as they denied my request.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access bitterness. I forgive myself for feeling bitter that my request got denied.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I am only focusing on “what I got denied, something to get mad at”.

lets face the facts. Number of occasions I took time off here and there, half days, couple of hours here and there, this is how I used up my off times, instead of using them in one shot, I sporadically used them up.  And now come xmax time, the fact is not a whole lot of time left on my vacation bank, hence the request was denied. And I am taking this personally, as if something was done against me. What I am really expecting is a ‘favor’, like as if we are friends with the bureaucrats of the HR office, it doesn’t’ work that way, this is capitalism, a business is there to make money, benefits of the workers are calculated based on set rules. There is not a whole lot I can do about this. So I see/realize I am taking it personally because of the belief “they should treat me nice, I have done shit load of work”.

A business specially big companies, cannot be “friends like” and start ‘lending’ vacation hours to their workers, of course there are extreme cases, like a funeral in the family or something, then there is a special bereavement’ class time off. Looking back at E1 and E2 who lost their jobs, I mean, those are facts, they lost their jobs due to some corporate rules that came from the top which couldn’t’ be changed by the local bureaucrats, it was nothing personal. Not a personal attack on anyone. And here I still have my job, yet I am whining about loss of time off, hmm. If anything I must have an attitude of gratitude for the continuous employment in this difficult job market.

Perspective is the key. Considering all the facts, ground realities, job market realities, recent job losses like what happened to E1 and E2, how could I justify a reaction to mere denial to more time off? Doesn’t’ make sense.

I commit myself, instead of reacting, to look at the facts, and to make acceptable plans, Either I take time off without pay, or take off only time what I have accumulated. Anything else would be a reaction, a nagging, whiny, blaming reaction, done out of ungratefulness and bitterness.

I stop, I breathe. and bring myself to see the facts and accept the decision of the bureaucratic office, it is their task to apply the rule, not give favors like how ‘friends’ might.

All the keys are here.

Day 10: When presidents die

Imagine Mr George W. Bush and Mr Saddam Hussein now having a friendly chitchat in the afterlife (wherever that is), oh how interesting, I think, they will forgive each other, for lack of understanding, for pushing for war instead of peace, they will understand that the seats of power however all-consuming, still made of dust, someday all powers will return to dust. And they will understand the intense responsibility while sitting in those temporary seats of power, the responsibility to create a stable life for their citizens for generations to come, which both men may look back with some regret. They will forgive each other, but certainly they will forgive themselves for the ongoing mess in Iraq, Afghanistan, and for the millions of lives lost, destroyed on all sides. They will forgive themselves for not understanding their thoughts, words and deeds where everything began.

all keys are here:

Day 9: breath compilation

I have been listening to recent ‘breath compilation‘ interviews from eqafe, going pretty well, highly recommended. I experience boredom when I breathe with awareness, its like I missing some entertainment, also irritation, unease, missing out, as if I want to get back to the business/busyiness of mind very badly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself when I breathe with awareness, believing that I can only exist in as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that breathing is boring, breathing with awareness as boring, whereas living in the mind, thinking as exciting, entertaining and non-boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist for entertainment, and define myself as boring/bored the moment entertainment of my mind stops even for a few seconds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the lack of mind entertainment, fear the silence of the mind, I forgive myself for fearing silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life exists as mind, as thoughts, as excitement as entertainment. I forgive myself for believing that silence is death, therefore I fear it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my mind, from the noise of my mind, not seen/realizing all that goes on within my mind is aspects of myself, so essentially what I am fearing is facing myself as the noise of my mind. It’s not the fear of silence, its fear of facing self as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate everything within me into battling parts, like I am in a battle within myself, like living/existing is a battle. Here I see/realize I can use the breathing with awareness to cut down the battle, bring all parts together, to embrace all parts of myself, the good, bad, and the ugly. I am everything of me, there are no external evil residents within me who are controlling me, I am all of it. I just have to face all of me. In this, I see/realize blame is way to avoid seeing myself as-is.

Breathing with awareness is a key in this, and why do I want to deny this gift to myself?

I commit myself to return again and again throughout the day to take few breaths with awareness.

Breathe-in, hold, breathe-out, within 2-3 seconds span, it’s a start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not see/realize everything of the mind/mind conscious system, is passed down the generations via one breath at a time, the uninterrupted continuation from breath to breath, has made mind what it is today leading to a world where more than half living under poverty. A pause between breaths could help us see what we’re accepting and allowing so that we could correct ourselves. So I forgive myself for not seen/realizing breathing with awareness is an act of responsibility to keep the mind in check.

all the keys are here.

Day 9: self-spite

Ten years ago this thanksgiving weekend I flew back to Ottawa from the US for a big event in my life, looking back the odd thing was how much backchat I had about stuff, a feeling of being used, feeling of being tricked into, manipulated, all with money as the central point. And now the whole story has vanished into thin air as if it never happened. What I am seen about myself is lack of gratitude on my part, as part of starting a new life journey at that point, I should yes I should have, stepped in with gratitude, come what may, instead I walked in with backchat, even slight bitterness, anger, I mean WTF was I doing?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show anger, bitterness, even spite in my backchat within the belief that I was being “tricked into something”, that I was manipulated into something with “money as the central point”. Now I see/realize how mistaken I was about all that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack gratitude in my life for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not step in with gratitude, that we’re starting a new life journey, therefore give my absolute best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my absolute worse instead of giving my absolute best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to believe that others are there to trick me, manipulate me, and therefore they really dont’ deserve my gratitude for been part of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rank and file people in my life, instead of embracing them all as life as one and equal as me, and giving, sharing my best self to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at some point take people for granted, to be careless about them, almost reach to the point of ‘I dont’ give a fuck about you anymore’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have disregard for others, within this I forgive myself for having a disregard for myself which eventually comes out as disregard for others. Mistrust in myself comes out as mistrust in others, lack of self-care and concern for myself comes out as eventual disregard for others, ultimately leading to zero gratitude and spite for them for being part of my life. Its like I hate you for being part of my life, like I hate you for caring for me, or loving me, or for being concerned about me. How dare you that you love me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the root cause is self, its my own disregard for myself, my own mistrust in myself, my own low view about myself that made me strangely be angry about a person who wanted to start a new life journey with me, in fact I was throwing spite at the person for that. wow.

Where was gratitude, well there is no room for gratitude because I was boiling in spite, self-spite, coming out at others thru one excuse or other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-spiteful, in that way always mistrusting, misjudging others, specially if they claim to love me or show any care for me.

So back to the event, the journey, the person, forgive me, dear R, I gave my absolute worse to you, because it is what I have been giving to myself and living as, and you dont’ deserve my self-spite, and the consequences were ample. And I am forgiving myself for all that I was, and lived as.

Now, ten years later, sitting alone at the rock bottom of my life, like a dead man, I am writing/walking my journey back to life, forgiveness, self-forgiveness is my key to overcome my deep-seated self-spite. I hope you too will someday forgive me, but somehow that’s irrelevant.

I am grateful not all is lost, I am still walking my life, still long way to go, there is hope someday I will live the word gratitude, not taking anyone for granted, not throwing spite at anyone.

I commit myself to this journey of self-correction and taking self-responsiblity to remove the self-spite I have been living as for so long.

all the keys are here.

Day 8: renunciation

Its Monday morning, mourning, what is that I am mourning, end of a weak-ed, not having free time, not being under work stress. it’s all in my hands, it’s all what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as under stress, define myself as under stress, in the search to be free. here I have defined freedom as ‘having nothing to do’, so any task, I equate as not having freedom hence under stress, always rushing to get to that magical freedom. Living in a world, implies things to do, task to accomplish, yes some are easy task, some are challenging, in this I see/realize how my definition of freedom, has domed me, placed me under stress. I am allowing this.

work, job means finishing tasks, certainly in the areas of engineering, software development, challenges can be tough, but that’s part of the puzzle, excitement to resolve complex puzzles, but why is this stressing me out? its my definition.

I mean what is freedom then, free from work, free from all tasks, responsibilities? sitting under a  tree sipping coffee all day, I see some homeless people sitting around just aimlessly doing nothing, or rather nothing to do, just relaxing their endless freedom from ‘worldly tasks, and responsibilities’, for some it may have started as ‘wanting to be free’, but obviously homeless life is anything but free, survival worries must be endless. I think it is a religious brainwashing I acquired long ago, where give up all, renounce the world and worldly matters, and just be free, roam around the sacred forest and streets like those ancient sadhus (monks) in India, who seems to be so free, free from endless commitments and responsibilities, with zero care for anything but their own spiritual enlightenment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that endless roaming around like a sadhu as freedom, having no tasks and responsibilities as freedom. within this I forgive myself for creating stress whenever a task or responsibilities is placed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as caged down, locked down, imprisoned by responsibilities and tasks of my worldly life hence I forgive myself for defining freedom as running away from all that like a renounced monk.

I forgive myself for wishing, desiring, and believing that those monks are so free, having endless joys and freedom, therefore I must also give up all and be free like them. this is the religious conditioning, I have allowed and accepted within myself, where I have created a despise and disregard for taking responsibilities and tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the idea of renunciation is a total brainwash whose sole purpose is to help reject responsibilities and create this magical fantasy called freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize true freedom is accomplishing all responsibilities, and tasks at hand, getting this done, standing as a pillar of trust and care-taker who is trustworthy, reliable and responsible, who can get the job done. Not as someone who is dreaming of wondering like a sadhu without any care or concern just aimless free, that’s the brainwashed religious idea of freedom, well it worked in India kept unemployed off the job market, no wonder there are more monks than rats back home, it’s the religious brainwashed search for freedom, running away from everything.

I forgive myself for accepting the religious beliefs and ideas behind renunciation. Instead I place myself here, at the eye of the storm, taking responsibilities, taking on the tasks at hand one breath at time, one task at a time, getting things done, moving myself thru the storm by getting things done, however complex or challenging they are, focus on one thing at a time.

where is the stress in this? real stress in this world is having no food, no shelter, no survival means, no money, no security, no income, no connections, no old age savings, no healthcare, no safety, constantly living under the threat of the money systems that is merciless.

So I see/realize my stress is all mind made, not real, based only on religious ideas of freedom and renunciation. no more, get on with things.

all the keys are here.