day 111. Tired of life.
#Sharing #JTL #desteni #eqafe #Writing
Lately, there is a general tiredness within me, as if I am tired of life, tired of everything, not seen/realizing this fatigue comes from the mind, from overthinking, from not been physical, and from not applying the basic tools to support myself, and giving into excuses and resistances, and lack of self-creation, and so on.
Seems like a mountain ahead, obviously if I look at it that way, it is what I will see, instead see the problem in steps, take the small steps, practical steps to get out of this tiredness of life, of self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let problems overwhelm me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let moods and feelings overwhelm me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let situations and challenges overwhelm me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let stimulation from others and lack-thereof overwhelm me and go into over thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of despondency, instead of finding a way out of problems, and situations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly believe that running away as a solution to problems, in the hope that someone or something will take care of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in hope, in the hope of other things or people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind and escape into entertainment and music, instead of using them for a moment of pleasure and something to enjoy, I have turned entertainment and music into a place to hide, to avoid, to escape. Time is truly wasted, and things I commit to do are not done, in that creating a sense of burden within me, things are ‘waiting’ to be done, and this wait is creating the weight within me, resulting in the fatigue, tiredness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize there is no escape, from self, I have to face myself, head on. The emergence, the call to change self is happening, I like it or not, I can only hide from it so much, eventually I will have to face myself fully and take the steps the change self. I mean this rebirthing of self process is not a side order, its a life order, like it or not. My only choice is how, what path, I will chose to change myself to. So far I have been hiding, avoiding, escaping and postponing. At some point this escaping must end.
I have and know all the tools, have listened to hundred of videos and interviews, and with ample support, still I believe i can escape this process, avoid it, hide from it, do it another time, not seen/realizing I am not cheating anyone but myself. I am putting off my own rebirth process, and this is tiring, the waiting to start/restart my process, that wait is the weight, creating the tiredness within me, instead of simply doing it, taking the steps to change myself. It’s obvious to me how I live my life, my focus, my attention, are not in line to change myself to a better version of myself, rather I am chasing desires, energetic highs, while physical time slowly ticks away, this one chance to change myself here on the physical is slowly slipping away.
Yet this process is not complicated, not that I have to put my life on hold to walk the process, my life is my process, just that I need to direct and apply the tools, and participate in self-creation and expansion. Take apart the mountain into the practical steps and just walk them, unburden the burden step by step.
A sense of burden is accumulating, this is where the weight, the fatigue comes from. I am burdening myself, by postponing, procrastinating, inactivity, etc. Process requires my participation, action, direction, breathing, and no escape or hiding from it. Life demands I change, existence demands I change. Everything in the universe has changed, its man only, myself still putting it off, this is pure arrogance to some degree on my part.
And stop the comparison, the process is not a game or a competition, or a deadline to meet, first will be the last and the last will be the first, as the saying goes, so who am I trying to compete against or outsmart in this process? True there is no deadline, but time in the physical is limited, and wasting it is deliberate self spitefulness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize with procrastination and postponement, I am actually being self-spiteful, as I arrogantly believe that I have ample time to do this process in this life time, so why bother. In that creating and contributing to the fatigue I am sensing within me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize every time I postpone something I am creating a ‘waiting’ for that something to be done, in that wait I am creating the weight within me, resulting in tiredness of self and life.
how can I be tired of life, life is existence, myself as life is suppressed within what I have accepted and allowed within me, creating the reality that I am tired of life, and escaping to avoid this reality of myself.
Basically all this boils down to taking on more responsibility, not avoiding or escaping self-responsibility. Things are piling up because I am avoiding to take on the responsibility to face them, resolve them. This process is not some magic path or a location to retreat to, its simply taking on responsibility to things and people in my life, directing my life, within the principles and tools of what’s best for all. For this, I need to take the steps.
When and as I see myself ‘avoiding’ or ‘escaping’ I flag it, asking myself what is the responsibility I am avoiding? And accordingly direct myself to face that very thing head on. I realize my life of avoiding and escaping responsibility is shameful, and wasteful.
While it’s not too late, but there will come a time when it will be too late, so I direct myself to look at my life, look at how I am avoiding/escaping and stop them.
Inspired by #desteni