Day 7: embrace self

It takes one thought to create separation, that emotional wall between people. but it’s not just one time thought, it’s a recurring one thought, every now and then same thought creeps up, after that there is energy build up, and not too far physical consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow thoughts about R, thinking and believing that I am used by R, only to serve whatever they want. Within this I forgive myself for not seen how I am creating a victim personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that I live the negative end of a polarity where I believe I am targeted, a victim, and isolated when I am alone, and blame others for this feeling I accept, and believe that others are actually doing this to me.

I forgive myself for not seeing/realizing this is the definition, the belief I have given to myself and living as, where I fear being alone and believe that I am a target, that people are using me to serve their needs. this is my accepted and allowed belief system, that being alone, sitting alone, working alone, is some kind of a plot created by others to target me, and in this state I can only be used.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define standing alone as fearsome, as vulnerable, insecure, easily targeted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear simply being here as breath, as me, as physical and focusing on what’s at hand, instead of defining myself as ‘alone’ therefore vulnerable.

I forgive myself for creating this polarity construct, when been with others is all good and well but being alone is scary, hellish, fearful, vulnerable and easily targeted. and to offset this I demand others, push others to fill this fearful space I have created and called it ‘being alone’.

I forgive myself for believing that I can’t focus, can’t get things done when I hit this vulnerable state, and that I need to hide away or runway to find peace of mind, instead of facing the situation head on, and breathing myself to calmness within the eye of the storm. running away is not the cure, hiding is not the solution. face it, be where it is most difficult, and face the music, face the patterns that I believe myself to be.

as bernard say, first have to accept and embrace self totally, then walk the forgiveness, corrections.

all the keys are here.

Day 6: lack of sleep

Giving myself this 20 mins or so, to sit down and jot something down, so much resistance to write, like to recall the words, ‘just do it’, sometimes you just have to do it, the right feeling, or the right moment wont’ arrive as you expect.

Looking at my mind this morning, yeh there is something heavy/tired feeling as if its going to be a bad day. Don’t feel much rested or slept well, but good 5-6 hours I must have slept, it’s the expected good long 8 hours that I didnt’ get.

I forgive myself for believing that I am tired just because I lack 8 hours of good sleep.

I forgive myself for believing it’s going to be a bad day because I lack the expected 8 hours of good sleep.

I forgive myself for believing that I lack, and equate 5-6 hours of sleep to lack. in this I see that I am creating the idea of lack, because 5-6 hours is sufficient sleep given that I don’t do physical labor work during the day, or any strenuous physical gym workouts, so 5-6 hours of sleep is sufficient, in this I see that ‘lack’ and ‘tiredness due to lack’ are ideas I have created and accepted for myself.

I forgive myself for equating not having 8 hours of sleep as ‘lacking’ and ‘tiring’, within that I forgive myself for conditioning myself to accept this physical tiredness in the mornings when my sleep is limited to 5-6 hours.

It’s a new day, just starting, body is here, I am breathing, but the ideas about lack is there only because I allow and accept it, and believe in it.

I forgive myself for believing, accepting and allowing that I must have 8 hours of sleep otherwise its a lack and I will be tired.

I forgive myself for allowing these ideas into the very core of myself, my body, my mind, and make it a living reality, living words of myself. well its time to correct this.

Breath by breath. breathe in, hold, breathe out. within that the ideas cannot perpetuate, the ideas about tiredness, lack cannot continue, because in the ‘hold’ moments, the ideas will lose their grip on me, slowly but surely. It’s not going to happen magically where I am perfectly normal with 5-6 hours of sleep. But each time I face this tiredness, this feeling of lack, even this feeling of being victimized, as if something is robbed out of me, I pause and I breathe, in and out, and give myself that moments of hold, so I can discontinue these patternss, ideas I am living as.

There are some environmental and other factors I may have to look at why I may get interrupted in sleep, those are practical steps, but in terms of ideas and beliefs, no more, breath by breath, stop its power over me.

I forgive myself for giving away my self power to ideas like ‘lack’ and ‘lack of sleep’, ‘tiredness’ etc. within this I also forgive myself for creating new ideas about the day, like its going to be a bad day, so when and as I see myself living these ideas, I bring myself back to breathing, give myself that moment of holding,

all the keys are here.

Day 5: why write

Writing in the mornings help I find, it sets the tone for the day, kind of puts in me in touch with myself. I can’t explain what’s with up writing, but definitely it does something to me, may be a moment of self-time, may be it’s a physical act where mind/body/being all three come together, something for sure, and why do I want to deny this gift to myself? why do I want to postpone? sometimes I have lots of excuses, simply nothing to write about, or what others will think of my writing, my boring writing, here I have to remind myself this is an anonymous blog, this is my own space to write, rite, rant, rave, forgive, without entertaining “what others may think”, which is my own fear talking.  So relax, unwind in this space, direct the words, dissect the patterns I have been living, forgive myself, and share, this is truly a space and gift I can only give to myself. Wanting to write for any ‘show and tell’ would certainly defeat the purpose of self-writing. Sharing is cool, that’s how others will learn about basic desteni tools. Many of us are living zombies, living in fear, constant fear, living irresponsible lives, always ditching, dismissing responsibility, unless there is a direct profit, the race to make life a profitable one, in that no regard or respect for anyone unless there is a profit. Bernard has some cool words to say about that.  Ok, its a short blog today, I forgive myself for looking for excuses why I can’t write regularly, I forgive myself allowing what “others may think” influence my writing, as if I am writing to ‘show and tell’, this is crazy, how can it help me to correct myself if things are done to ‘show and tell’. I stop the urge with myself to ‘show and tell’. I write here, simply looking at my own mind, my own creations, I realize there is a lot of shit I have allowed in my life, this I can dissect, discuss, write about, this is self’s journey to life, in my case dead man’s journey to life, as I have been a living dead for so long, now crossing 50 year mark, at last time to rise from the dead. to be continued. I allow myself, I commit myself to give this gift of writing to myself. come what may.

all the keys are here, undeniable.

Day 4: giving up is easy

When it rains it pours they say, had multiple points to take responsibility for, they were all rushing at once yesterday.

first things first, bill payments, merciless money system wont’ tolerate any late payments, it will take action. The notice I received was not nice, so before it becomes a real problem, sort it out, fighting the money system is stupid. I am only compounding the stress level with things piling up, get it out-of-the-way, get it done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the money system lightly not seen/realizing that it will strike back hard as possible when money/bills are not dealt with properly in time. I also realize when bills are not paid in time it has consequences to the companies that collect the money, to make their own payments, salaries to their workers etc, so it has a tickle down effect when I dont’ make the payments on time. They depend on it regardless of how rich the company is. This is not a donation, but payment for a service provided.  I have always been late on bill payments, not that I am unwilling to spend the money, just some sort of laziness creeps in, until a point of lateness is reached, then I rush to make the payments.  its unwilling to consider consequence of what they must face when I am late, it’s a form of dont’ care.

I forgive myself for living the words “don’t care”, in the form disregarding bill payments until its way too late.

I forgive myself for living the words “dont’ care”, “dont’ give a damn”. but why do I do this? making the way for self-sabotage? am I inviting sabotage?

I forgive myself for subtly inviting self-sabotage towards me in the form of disregarding bill payments.

I forgive myself for creating self-sabotage.

I forgive myself for secretly wanting to sabotage myself, it’s easier that way, than having to make things orderly and proper, in time.

I forgive myself for secretly wishing a life of chaos, ruin, disorder, decay, even death, because I believe living a proper orderly constructive life is hard and perhaps it’s not for me.

I forgive myself for inviting chaos, disorder, decay, within the belief that i don’t deserve a fulfilling life.

I forgive myself for not giving, creating myself a fulfilling life.

I forgive myself for believing that I dont’ deserve a fulfilling life, hence, must go out-of-the-way to create self-sabotage.

I know many a times I have created sabotage for myself, not just with missing bill payments, in the areas of jobs, relationships, disasters have been created. It’s easy to give up, its easy to live the words, “giving up”. yeh its difficult to live the words “creation”, “doing”, “achieving”.

I realize all the stresses that came from yesterday’s multiple points were related to the sense of “dont’ care”, “dont’ give a damn”, “who cares”, all inviting, leading to self-sabotage. this is an old pattern, inviting destruction, because its easy, sort of self-created entropy.

when and as I see myself applying the words “dont’ care”, “dont’ give a damn”, I stop I breathe. I realize this is the old road to self-sabotage, therefore I commit myself to breathe and take actions, exercise due diligence, walk the steps, get things done, otherwise I am inviting self-sabotage in small steps which eventually accumulate.

Same at work, issues are piling up, because with some issues I took the “dont’ care” approach, instead of seen all issues with equality, every issue equally matters, only the priority to complete them differs, therefore I commit myself to see all issues with equal attention, not disregarding till they come to bite me, come to sabotage. I stop this self-sabotage pattern by giving equal attention to all points within the moments of breathe. I can only do one thing at a time, in one breath at a time, but attention is equal to all points.

all the keys are here.

Day 3: design agreement

Diverting from qck notes for a bit to look at something else.

Software development is bit like a relationship agreement, call it the design agreement, so the parties can independently code their pieces and in theory should work like a charm during code integration, of course there will be defects as part of normal development/coding process, even issues related to the misunderstanding of agreed upon design matters. But serious problems may arise during integration if one or more parties either ignored or silently disagree with parts of the design leading to failure in integration. There is this subtle assumption of responsibility, “you better fix it on your side”, or “show me , tell me what I must fix”. Basically to make the design agreement work, the parties must give their best to understand and stand by the design agreement, of course if  you dont’ understand parts of it, ignoring is not the solution, it will come to bite you later. And for some, agreeing to an agreement is a whimsical matter, unwilling to put the hard to create a solid design agreement in the first place, but hoping to sort out problems as they arise in the later phases. This approach is problematic, as parties are not in align with the design as coding unfolds. Soon the blame game could begin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame a party when I see that they have not met the design criteria as agreed.

I forgive myself for wanting to scream in anger and frustration at their incompetence and blame them.

I forgive myself for believing that expressing anger and blame as valid.

I forgive myself for not seen/realizing that anger or blame will only compound the matter not resolve anything at all.

I forgive myself for not understanding that it could be something simple as ‘not understanding the design details’, meaning they just need an extra explanation, extra patience, not blame or scolding, or show of intolerance.

I forgive myself for wanting to ‘indict’ them for their lack of respect for the design, like walking upto the boss and complain how irresponsible a party is.

I forgive myself for believing that there must be some punishment for such parties, for not delivering the design, for not sticking to what agreed upon.

I forgive myself for believing that they must be ridiculed in front of the team for failing to meet the design.

I forgive myself for believing that they must be presented as the guilty party in front of all, so that I will certainly look good.

I see/realize and understand, confrontation, anger, frustration, ridicule, humiliation, blame. scolding cannot lead the project anywhere, just like a relationship agreement, when design agreement is facing issues, the solution is back to the drawing board, communication, explanation, ‘show them again’, simply commit again and again to stick to communication without any hint of blame or anger brewing in the background.  They will sense my anger, and that they will resist, tranlating to resisting parts of the design agreement, so what I accept and allow in relation to others matter.

I commit myself to breathe thru the frustrating moments, I commit myself to simply stick to the basics of going back to the design, instead of focusing on blame or scolding another.

all the keys are here.

Day 2: qck session notes

In the last qck session with Kim, we found a polarity that I have been living and defining myself as.  that is I am all happy and secure when I am with others, the positive polarity, and all depressed and sad when alone, the negative polarity. This definition, mostly the negative definition what I have accepted myself as, and I also seek the positive end because often I am living at the negative end of the polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself, define who I am as a polarity based construct, limiting myself to the positive end and negative end, and within that swing back and forth, craving for the positive end yet often living at the negative end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘all happy and excited, all secure and safe, all belonged together, we are one team, we are all happy, we are all united, strong together etc’ as the positive high-end of the polarity. Within this i forgive myself to create that part of the belief, seek that high-end by looking to create that high/positive end. I forgive myself for not seen/realizing that I have created an idea and have been searching that all my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase a belief system, the high-end of the polarity, where I am looking, seeking, searching, chasing the togetherness, the happy one family, one team, the secure togetherness with others, not seen realizing I have created a trap for myself, a mirage, where I am chasing something based on my mind’s idea, instead of looking what is here, this moment, the togetherness of all life here, humans, things, animals, I am equal and one with them all, there already exist the unity,  the ‘one family’, the bond, already existing, yet what I am searching is an idea about it, a feeling about it, to feel that bond, to feel belong, to feel accepted, to feel connected, these are all ideas of the mind, which I am looking to project and create out in the physical reality, in that I am only manipulating, picking and choosing who and when, instead of accepting all that is here as life. in this I see I create insider vs outsider divisions, where I see some as cool, yeh ‘lets be together’, ‘lets enjoy time and space together’ yet with some others I clearly discard them, in this I see insider vs outsider notions already exist within me, just that when its done unto me I react, I quit, yet i allow myself to do the same unto others.

I forgive myself for searching for this magical ‘togetherness’ with others, to feel happy, to feel belong, to feel accepted, not seen/realizing when I am here as me as this physical body, like a plant sitting here, not wanting anything in particular, I am with all, I am together with all, the togetherness is given, need not be created as my mind suggest.

I also realize yes we have to ‘create’ this togetherness, it’s not going to fall from the skies, have to build relationships, friends, have to connect with people, but not to be done from the perspective of ‘wanting a togetherness’, there is no real wanting of it, because togetherness is already here, its given, what I am creating is the physical space and time, where we can come ‘together’, not creating the togetherness itself. we are all already one and equal. so when I walk into a gathering, a group, a relationship, I will not be looking to connect or create togetherness, I am only giving it a physical form, time, space, expression. I have no lack when I am in any group or relationship context. Lack and craving is not the starting point. What I have to create is the form of the togetherness, like meeting a friend for coffee, or starting a new relationship, its only a form, whereas the togetherness itself with others is given, this is the missing link. I have been insanely searching for something that is already given to all. Life is here already equal and one, present together as one.

When and as I see myself seeking that magical togetherness, that elated feeling of high, wanting to be accepted, belonged etc, I stop and I breathe, I tell myself that I am chasing an idea of my mind, chasing a feeling, a wanting, a neediness, instead I will remind myself that ‘togetherness’ is here already, all life is equal and one, and life is substance of all things, which is already here together as one, hence my chase makes no sense. I will remind myself to engage with people as equals, no insiders vs outsiders, no cool, no uncool, all are here as physical bodies, equal in substance.

it is dreadful to live this chase, I realize becoming alive and life would mean simply being here, utilizing breathing as self-support. Only from here, intimacy is possible, otherwise I am simply manipulating others for a profitable life, even the so-called togetherness is done for a profitable life.

to be continued.

all the keys are here:

Day 1: Intro, have to start somewhere

Desteni tools can turn a rock into a diamond, if applied and lived consistently, I know, I have tasted bits of it, yet somewhere down the road, I lost myself and walked out of the desteni group, for reasons which could define the purpose of this writing blog. Who am I is the question and answer,  always, the outcast, the fearful, the real dead as myself, yet looking for others to accept me, include me etc, but never really looking into the very nature of who I am, to correct myself. That’s the mistake of my first journey to life, in this second attempt, my focus will be me, the who I am. I cannot blame others for outcasting me, for this or that, everyone has their own deep seated mind programmings, from which they could act this way or that way, I have no control over that, but I have control over my own programming to correct myself. I will walk this writing process anonymously, there is really no need to show my face, also for professional reasons, yet this will be a public blog for anyone who may find it useful. I am not the only outcasted fearful one in this world.

I am grateful for all those who assisted and supported me in my first attempt within the desteni group context, this time however I have to walk this alone, its just way to easy to activate the outcast pattern again, until I correct it, sadly, this is the way to walk.

I commit myself to write, to make it a regular part of my life, I realize if the tools are not applied and lived, they are useless.

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All the keys are here.