Day 25: When will anger stop?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize anger is abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize when I throw anger at others I am abusing myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe its ok to throw anger at family members.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify anger and believe its ok within family context.

I forgive myself that I have accepted allowed myself to abuse those who are close to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that its ok to abuse family members.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat family members like shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize how I treat others is an exact mirror of how I treat myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself, this is more evident in how I abuse others, those who are close to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have a right to abuse family members, its given, granted, no questions asked, I can abuse them at will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize until self-abuse is dealt with, abuse in this world cannot end, as this world is a reflection of what we do unto ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of my childhood where receiving anger was ample, within these memories I still hold onto anger and justify showing anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others abused me, but never understood their mindsets or situations they were in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the unguided mind, the machine that it is, lack of self-awareness, deep seated brainwashing and pre-programming lives, genetic, cultural, environmental, and economic factors all played a role in why a person becomes an abuser in life. I see/realize self-responsibility was unheard for ages, within that the sins of the forefathers came down generations and still continue to cause abuse, to this day.

But how and when will this abuse end? This is my journey to life, to end all abuse within myself. stop being an abuser basically.

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Day 24: Anger

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed by anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe its my right to be angry and I could use it anytime I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express anger as a statement of power over others, implying a subtle sense of power I feel over the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that its ok to be angry at some who may appear weak and powerless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pick and chose my targets of anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show off my anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use anger to amplify my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the character of humbleness when the character of anger doesn’t suit my interest, in a moment I could flip from anger to humbleness to suit my needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize anger is a character I play to fulfill my ego needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize humbleness is a character I play.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ego characters to serve my needs instead me being here real as breath and directing the moments in consideration of what’s best for me and so best for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize anger thrown at others will inevitably find its way towards me, because others as me, will show me the anger I am throwing at myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize all anger is self-anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor anger towards me, by holding onto anger towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize just one thought of anger is enough to start a flame of anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize anger actually feels good, it feels good to be righteous and angry at others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make me feel alive by using anger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the words power and aliveness to the emotions of anger, within this experience a sense of power and aliveness whenever I throw anger at others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear anger and avoid the anger within me, instead of looking at the energy and letting it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize unresolved or unforgiven anger only compounds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can hide my anger from others by presenting a smile or a joke, not seen/realizing the energy of anger will resonate and others will pick it up despite my PR efforts to hide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize I have become the anger, ‘who I am’ is anger, therefore the change must be in ‘who I am’ to no more exist as anger, but to live humbleness as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to quickly suppress anger within me when the moment is not right to show off my anger.

When and as I see any movements of anger within me, I see/realize these are all parts of me, showing to me where I have not looked at resolving or forgiving, so instead of suppressing the anger within me, I commit myself to dig into it and let go with forgiveness and understanding.

I assist myself with humbleness, to be humble, in letting anger go.

https://eqafe.com/p/life-review-my-life-of-anger

Day 23: peace demon

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that destruction is ok, for the sake of peace. in this I have accepted the peace demon personality who destroys things for peace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to breakdown people so that they will learn about peace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek revenge and punishment so that there will be peace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the ‘war for peace’ mentality within and without, leading to endless wars and personal conflicts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in destruction and breaking down of nations and people, after which we can talk about peace. Not seen/realizing that is not peace, but complete and absolute demolishing of others, who out of surrender will accept my terms and conditions which I falsely believe as peace of mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the root of ‘war for peace’ mentality is revenge and desire to dominate others.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that destruction cannot bring peace, as evidence is ample.

When and as I see myself seeking revenge, destruction of others, in any form or shape, I stop and breathe to ground myself to realize, that there is no peace thru war.

 

Day 23: Extreme family triggers, greatest responsibility.

It has been ages since I got this angry, over a phone conversation with my brother, who mention to me about a brewing toxic situation with our elderly parents, who live with him. An extreme rush of energy, judgement, memories, rage flooded into my mind and body, lasting nearly 24hrs, so much so, I had to call in sick at work, it was chaotic. I dont’ know where to start this event’s deconstruction process, yeh I do feel shame that I lost my mind to that degree, my Mind Conscious System is 100% intact and in control, its an illusion to believe that I have changed even a bit, the machine could take over in extreme untested conditions. There also lies the chance for extreme responsibility. I guess I have to wait for my next extreme trigger to test myself.

Besides, how on earth, will I face demons if I cant’ deal with the rage that comes within me. Facing demons face to face is something I fancy, I think that’s the real test. Besides if you can’t face them, you can’t support them. If you react to demons in anyway whatsoever you can’t support them, because then the demons will know you’re a bullshitter. Before I am ready to face demons out there, let me start with what’s within me, and immediate folks in my life, who got enough triggers to bring the demon out of me.

If I cant’ face the demon inside me, there is no way I can support anyone. There is this feeling I have, yeh I can deal with anyone except my parents, well. I recall some Anu interviews where he mention the allocation of parents of a child, i.e the design of family system, is to maximize the emotional mind generation. The design was not, ‘let’s give this child the best parents for a best lifetime experience’, no, the rule was how can this family situation be for maximum mind-energy output. That was the guiding rule back then, and seen myself with my parents, the design is at work perfectly. Not blaming anyone, but this is the design of things from way back when. If I can’t take responsibility for anything toxic here, its a huge setback. And trying to demonize the people who triggers things in me, doest’ work either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand the design of family system, the design behind the allocation of parents, siblings, and others in my life from early childhood, where the rule was to maximize mind emotional energy generation.

Within this design rule, my family is no exception, the system is running perfectly as designed. I have this understanding after listening to 100s if not 1000s of portal interviews, I have the understanding about the workings of things. Yet I believe that my parents and others are deliberate nasty fuckers, there is no peace of mind until they disappear from my scene. My understandings drop to zero when it comes to my own folks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and allow extreme rage towards my parents and believe that’s ok, completely forgetting the mechanics of their mind design and the design of family system. we are living as we are designed to live, but with this understanding, I have a great responsibility to not react, not judge, not demonize, basically I have the responsibility to stand as the eye of the storm, and not turn myself into a demon who will demolish everything and everyone to find peace, a peace demon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that folks in my family are living as designed, they have no understanding at all about anything, how to stop or change their emotions, patterns etc, but I do, so I forgive myself for wanting to break them down and destroy them so I can have peace, not seen/realizing the greatest responsibility is with me,  to stand as the eye of the storm, simply because others do not know what they are doing, and they are doing what was designed way back then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify breaking down my parents and others, within the belief that I am doing so for peace in the family and for peace within myself. Yeh destroy them so I can be peaceful. This is what a peace demon looks like, it seeks to destroy, ambush, break down, attack, humiliate, gossip, etc etc to bring about peace.

I commit myself to undo the peace demon construct within me, the demon that destroys anyone and anything for peace.

I realize the toxic environment my brother described over the phone is a reflection of our unchecked minds, sadly, nobody has the understanding how to stop it, but I do, therefore the greatest responsibility lies within me in my family context to change this toxic situation, perhaps there wont’ by much change to their living situation , but certainly I can change my reactions.

Day 22: Barrier – 2

continuing with barrier point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that its hard for me to connect with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct a view, a belief within myself that I have nothing to share with others therefore not easy to connect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that connecting with others is a trade, a game, where I have to impress others to get them to like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the receiving part of the connection with others, that my starting point is what I can get, rather than what I can give. Because give and you shall receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself look at connecting with people as a trade, a form of profiteering, always measuring the pros and cons, gains and losses, and in that immediately disregard any not so profitable folks out of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since I have nothing to give, I can only get.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have nothing to give to another, I am devoid of any substance or value, so I simply cannot give but can only receive those things. This is a root cause self-diminishing belief that needs deconstruction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure the worth of a human being including myself, based on what one can give, not seen/realizing the worth of a human being is innate, life is the true worth of a being. Nothing acquired, gathered, learned or developed can add to one’s worth, self-worth is something everyone born with, LIFE gives worth to all equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to barricade myself within the belief that I lack worth, that I wont be seen any worthy, therefore out of the fear of shame, I hide myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to solidify resistance to connecting with others so much so now it appears as a hard barrier, a self-made barrier.

Perhaps the real root is not connecting with myself, not looking into the parts of myself, my mind, my physical body and environment, been too hard on myself, too judgmental about myself, too critical about myself, not been gentle or showing any care for self, in effect I have created a graven image of myself, and I know it, I fear it, out of this shame comes the tendency to barricade myself from connecting with others.

Day 21: The barrier

There is a retirement party today of a senior colleague, I am committed to go, but as usual already feeling unease, little fear about social side of things. Obviously this is a deep-seated pattern, again and again keep reminding me to stay out of such events. in one word it is self-judgement, because people tend to react to the mood, attitude, energies I carry within myself, and those things are nothing but what I am accepting and allowing within myself, based on fears, memories, hopes, wants, ideas, desires, likes and dislikes. Yeh the principle of likes and dislikes is a big one, equally the the principle of being liked and disliked.

If i didn’t know anyone there, and today is the first day of my job, how would i attend this event? I will have no clue about who is who, who is cool, who is uncool, all those ideas will not have formed, I will be forced to interact equally with all, no memories about anyone. obviously with memories come all the stuff, like and dislike. And hiding and isolation is really I am trying to hide from my own memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself hide myself from everyone, in the hope that they wont’ trigger my memories and fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself everyone, in the hope that its safe for me, dont’ have to ‘deal with anything’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself from life’s moments that are unfolding for me, moments that will be gone forever, I mean how often does a person retire, and should I find an excuse to avoid his party, I would avoid that moment forever, not willing to share myself with others in the celebration of life moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged, but not seen/realizing my own judgments of myself are the real problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my own unease within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my own beliefs and ideas about myself are the causes and reasons why I am avoiding life’s moments. Its like I have barricaded myself with my own ideas and beliefs and memories, so no one is able connect with me, yet I blames others thinking they are ‘not connecting’ with me, but in truth, I have barricaded myself due to fears, judgments, memories, being liked and disliked etc. I have to understand this self-made barrier that is in full control of my life that is cutting me off from basically everyone. There have been moments where in the presence of some people I have experience a total letting go of this barrier I am talking about, and experienced a complete sense of being at ease with myself, though they didn’t do anything, just their own self-ease helped me access my self-ease, to let go of this self-barrier for once.  Obviously the key is to access that self-ease within myself as a normal thing, not needing wanting always others to give that to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become my own barrier, a barrier of life, someone who barricade himself and others, not open, not inviting, not including, not embracing, not reaching out, rather full of judgments and self-judgments, in that fears are born and perpetuated.  I realize this barrier can be observed and deconstructed only by life’s moment by moment, living the committed solutions in every moment of breath. I commit myself to observe this barrier pattern within me and walk the solutions.

Day 20: work anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous about a demo I will be doing today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I already failed the demo with the kind of anxiety and nervousness I am having about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the complexity and legacy components of the system are extensive while I am fixing some parts of it, there are limitations to them, so I realize I can’t beat myself up with it.

Ideally yes touching a systems means I am solely responsible entirely for its operational status, but have to face it, there are legacy limitations, that’s simply wont’ work in all testing conditions. But the real issue is I am taking them all as my own ‘fault’, which is not the case, while I have done extensive patch work on this, but still there are limitation that are historical, unless its entirely reworked and redesigned some issues/limitations may remain. Taking all this personally and beating myself up is not cool, and that’s what causing my nervousness today. So I suggest to myself to be honest with it, state there could be failing cases, and understand them too, I think the key is to not remain silent or secretive about what may or may not fail. Perhaps I dont’ totally understand all of its limitations that could be contributing to my anxiety, as I dont want during the demo to things go wrong. But it is what it is. I commit myself to be frank and open, and do my best to present the demo while also stating there could be limitations, and everyone understand a total rework on this legacy code is not in the customer work order.

I have to demo that the essential items are working and in good order, some not so essential items may or may not fail, this too has to stated and understood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this as a total punishment on myself, as a verdict on my work performance, not seen/realizing my perfectionist personality is coming up here, trying to save face, save ego, not wanting to be seen as I did a bad job. Its not about me, its a legacy system, there are bound to be limitations and bugs, even though I have fixed many, some issues could still remain. The complexity of it doesn’t mean I will be punish equally.

I forgive myself for fear of being punished and not approved of my work I did on it.

I stop looking for approval and praise, let me just demo this piece of software is in good condition for the most part, while also stating the limitation that may or may not show up during the demo, and if it did, its not a punishment statement for myself, I simply have to return to basic and see what fixes can be put in.  Its a step by step process but being nervous or anxious won’t help.