Day 38: Not good enough, fears

Fear of not being good enough. fears and phobias, check it out this: eqafe interview, suggested by the QCK practitioner Kim.

It is true sometimes I am not that good in certain tasks that I am responsible for, there is certainly room for improvement. But the problem is fear, fear of others noticing my own fear and self-judgment of not being good enough.

Practically observing the need to improve vs fear of not being good enough are different things. In my case I realize there is room to improve, talking about work context here, there is the need to study more, experiment more, understand various aspects of the software more. But I also have an irrational fear, a fear of others seen me as not good enough. 

Honestly looking at it, I have not put my 100% into understanding, studying the material, just kept myself to the low hanging fruits of the system, obviously the system is very complex, still it is expected that everyone in the team develop mastery of the code/system. I mean there can’t be mysterious or alien parts of the code, like avoiding a plague I have avoided certain parts of the system, and now its coming to haunt me. Very similar to how we avoid certain parts of our minds, we suppress them very quickly, as if they don’t exist, but sooner or later, the mind and its memories will haunt us down.  

So during my annual performance review today, I was reminded that I have not mastered the entirety of the system, which is factually true, I have not mastered many parts of it, and I mistook this feedback as ‘seen me as not good enough’.

So few things: fear of the system, avoiding the system, hiding from the system, and others noticing my fear of the system, which in turn I fear, meaning I fear others seen me as ‘the fearful one’, its a shame to reveal my fears. I would rather people see my strengths and accomplishments, I want to highlight my achievements of the last year, my glories, I want to feel great about what I did, and I want others to see how great my work is, and how great I am.

While my boss recognized my achievements but he was quick to demonstrate my weakness, and this I took as a personal attack. This is very similar for wanting others to see the ‘positive side’ of me, and at all cost I dont’ want them to see my ‘negative side’. When others focus on my positive side, I feel more positive, more positive energy, that pat on my back, that compliment, that energy boast to my ego etc, while any ‘negative remark’ is vicious rejected because then I am forced to look at my ‘negative side’, which is not pleasant, its negative feeling to look at negative things. Same reason why some spiritual people only like ‘love and light’, because it feels good, sweet and wonderful, and the same people hate it if you show them the ugliness, the realities of this world, they rather put a positive spin on, “Oh the universe is teaching them a lesson about starvation”.

SO today I got less of ‘love and light’, but more of ‘ugliness’ about the reality of my work/world situation. I have few choices, at least my mind has been throwing them for last few hours non-stop, that’s one reason why I wanted to write this blog today, to check the mind. here are mind’s choices:

  1. quit the job right now, tell the boss to fuck off.
  2. ask for a long vacation, say I need some time to process the ‘negative energy’ etc

What a disaster it would be to quit the job, this is similar to suicide when the dark parts of the mind is shown, “oh I can’t take it anymore, I going to kill/quit myself’. Not good. And long vacation option is equally bad, that’s self-pitiful spite, essentially I want to hurt my boss by not going to work, this is self-stupid and self-spiteful. I think it will hurt him, it won’t, he will ask another person to fix my part of the system, and I will be only worrying while on my spiteful vacation.

The 3rd option is, to face the negative side, the dark side of the system, the side I fear, face it, jump into it, study it, experiment it, try things out, learn it, master it. Just like looking into the dark corners of the mind, that one terrible memory, yep same thing. At least I am giving myself the chance to try. So these are the gifts of the performance review today, all that ‘negative energy’ is a gift, its forcing me to look at what I have avoiding like a plague.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love the love and light, the positive energy of things, and absolutely fear and hate the negative side of things, not see/realizing, as long as I avoid the negative it will continue to exist, as I resist it will persist. In that I see/realize my fear of the dark/negative side only grows, as I have not faced it. And moreover, I fear revealing this fear to others, therefore always wanting to present my positive sides, achievements etc, not admit to others ‘hey there parts of the code/system I rather not go’, essentially I have not helped myself and caved myself a hiding spot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the dark side, the negative side, and I allow myself to grow the fear of it, so much so, I am afraid anytime now others may notice how fearful I am. Solution is: face it , dive into it. deal with it.

I commit myself to face the darkest parts of myself, the negative parts of myself, in that way, I see/realize I will be able to embrace and fix the negative/dark parts of myself and this world. As long as I fear the darkness, I remain in darkness.

So not a bad performance review day after all.

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Day 37: Cheating as abuse of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify cheating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe its OK to ‘soft cheat’, meaning nothing serious but some casual fun with another who is already involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only consider my enjoyment, not seen/realizing in a cheating situation there are consequences to many, more than the two that’s involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize cheating is an ultimate form of selfishness and betrayal as it only considers self’s enjoyment, all others can pretty much go to hell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give highest priority to the nectar of sex and sexual attraction no matter what consequences it may bring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize ‘cheating’ is a form of disregard for life, as I am disregarding those that may suffer the consequence of this, in fact including myself, there is consequence to self as well, nobody wins in a cheating setup.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize cheating in the mind is no different to cheating in the physical, as I have accepted and allowed the consequences.

Moralists will say, “don’t cheat, its a deadly sin”, easy to say until the opportunity knocks the door.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize morality is absolute bullshit, as it’s untested feel good righteousness, never had to make an absolute decision considering what’s best for all life, placing self in the shoes of others. So by placing myself in the shoes of others, it’s abundantly clear to me, that many would be hurt and suffer the consequences of cheating, just for me to taste the heavenly nectar of attraction. Yet I would justify ‘soft cheating’ as fun and OK.

“Give me what I want, no matter what”, that’s the operating principle behind cheating, same principle behind the banking/money system, “give me the money/profit, no matter what”, no regard for anything or anyone, no regard for life. In a small way I am accepting and allowing this operating principle, that’s exactly why I am allowing ‘soft cheating’ as OK.

So what’s the correction.

When and as I see myself justifying cheating as OK, I stop I breathe, ask myself the simple question, am I willing to accept the disregard of life? Because once I accept disregard of life as cheating, then, no limit to what other kinds of disregards of life I may accept, like war, murder, rape, starvation, hunger, deforestation, labor abuse, pretty much any sort of abuse will become justifiable should I accept even one form of disregard of life as OK. Can’t say murder as disregard of life is OK but starvation as disregard of life as not OK.

Accepting abuse of life no matter what the form it takes, I am pretty much accepting and giving consent to all forms of abuse of life.

So justifying cheating is justifying abuse of life, and indirectly justify all forms of abuse of life.

Its lot more than having bit of fun or enjoying the highest nectar with someone who is already involved. Plenty of consequences awaits.

 

Day 37: Anger is lack of self-care

Recently I was supported by this QCK practitioner, suggesting me to hear this eqafe interview about anger.  What I recall from it is: fear is the root of anger. It’s interesting this specific interview was picked for me, because around that time I recall having strange bouts of anger, so it is fitting.

so Anger. yes I am angry, and apparently lots of fear behind it. Fear is the root of anger.

What is that I am fearing? now that’s a long list. I may or may not publish this list, but definitely want to jot down the endless list. So many things I fear, money, poverty, social isolation, loneliness, lovelessness, not fitting in, not being good enough, getting fired, can’t do a good job at work, not being popular, not being very smart, getting rejected, joblessness, getting used, getting ripped of, getting dumped, ignored are just a handful to mention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain so much fear within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my attention and energy to my fears and thereby grow them, give life to them so to speak.

Also I realize if I don’t pay attention to my fears, they will have an automatic hold on me, meaning I live out my fears automatically, unconsciously. Having awareness about my fears, gives some chance to check them, reduce their hold on me, if I chose to.

Since there are million fears holding me down, one way to check them is to ask the questions, “what is that I am fearing this moment”? Moment to moment, the answer may be different, but each answer is valid, as it will show a part of fear that I am activating/living, so that gives the chance for real-time correction, living of self-forgiveness in real-time.

So “what is that I am fearing this moment”, or “what fearful thoughts am I entertaining here/now”?

Earlier today I agreed to meet this person later today, but a while ago she cancelled it, siting “Migraine” as a reason. So the fear I am accessing is one of feeling dumped. “She probably got something else going with somebody else, hence she dumped me”. That’s the fear at this moment. Migraines don’t come with an advanced notice, regardless of her story, valid or not, the fact is I am entertaining fear, fear of being dumped.  So out of one million fears, the one to focus on here/now is, the fear that is here/now.

Fear of being dumped is a big one. I think I was 14 or 15 when I first got dumped, didnt’ go that well, felt crushed by the girl who “loved me so much”, then few more and most recently of course my divorce, so fear of getting dumped is a big one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being dumped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that past experiences will repeat, that I will be dumped again and again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that eventually people will dump me.

I forgive myself  that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sooner or later they will find some dark part about me and eventually dump me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is nothing good about me to keep them staying with me forever, therefore its only a matter of time before the end, the dumping happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be dumped, and walk with that conviction that I will be dumped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the sentenced I am giving myself with my own words/thoughts/convictions. I am sentencing myself to be dumped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am no good and I have nothing to offer to a woman, so sooner or later, she will go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the conviction, the sentence, the believe system, that I will be dumped, so as I believe I create.

This may be linked to my lack to self-acceptance, lack of self-care, because I have not accepted myself, not caring myself, then it begs the question how can another care for me, so in time, they will dump me. In a way, I have dumped myself, ignored myself, neglected myself, which is then shown to me by others.

Give to self. For-Give.

So one root of my anger is actually my own self-neglect, manifested as anger towards others.

So what’s the correction to this? finding ways to care for self, as life. Finding how I neglect myself, self, life, and correct them, be aware of the moments of self-neglect, self-disregard, and stop in real time.

Self is life, self-care is caring for life as self. It will be grandiose to think I can only care for the grand world but not myself, not seen/realizing self as life.

I commit myself to see/realize caring for self, myself, is actually caring for life.

 

 

 

Day 36: Self-care is the first step

“Living in a bubble” and bursting of that bubble, yeh we can all relate to that, but the funny thing is while inside the happy bubble, the burst may seem impossible, “ain’t going to happen to me”, well it can, this why is creating best for all systems matter. Easy to get lost in happy times, it can blind you forever. Hell on earth is real for most, it’s impossible for me to imagine, but it’s real if you chose to investigate. I may not be able to directly fix anything, but I can certainly contribute, create awareness, and mostly change myself, becoming a person that cares, but that starts with self-care.

As inner, the out is reflected. The hell is what we accepted and allowed, first we do it to ourselves, then to others, et viola, world becomes a hell.

I have to constantly ask myself, check with myself, wtf is going on with me, what am I participating, am I a walking/talking hell, if so, that’s the first place to change.

In the cafe here, just saw somebody wearing a t-shirt saying “nobody cares”, lol, how fitting. No body cares because self-care is missing. If each person cares for themselves, caring for another is simply an extension. Certainly for myself, my main challenge is self-care, its a big word, big thing, not sure where to even start sometimes.

Perhaps thoughts, words, and actions, where self-care begins. Stopping those self-abuse thoughts, and actions. Thoughts become words, words become actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize to create a caring world, people must care for themselves, and others, and all that starts with me, starts with self-care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the ONE affects the WHOLE, and that one is self as me as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize depression, anger, laziness, apathy, greed, lust, addiction, all that is a sign of self-neglect, but ignoring them is not a step towards self-care. Look at the dark side, ignoring it doesn’t help. A good understand of the problems is the first step to fix them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, as grandiose as it may sound, changing the world starts with me, its my own self-care is the first step.

I commit myself to focus on self-care, ending self-neglect and self-abuse, look at the darkness in my life first and fix them. Changing the world is only an extension of self-care.

 

Day 35: Ending racism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear those that I see as ‘others’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the ‘others’ as a threat to my existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be suspicious about the ‘others’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view unfamiliarity as a threat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that familiarity equals security, in that deduct that unfamiliarity means threat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confine myself to familiar circles and groups, within that fear those that are unfamiliar to me, whose norms and ways are unfamiliar to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear foreign languages and cultures, that are different from what I am familiar with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the idea that black is evil and white angelic, within that deduct anything black as a potential danger, and to view with suspicion, they increase the crime rate, reduce property values, make bad influences, and they turn neighborhoods into ghettos.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself fear foreigners, specially in big groups.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my life at the sight of ‘others’, specially larger groups of ‘others’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view anything Chinese with suspicion, as greedy and money hungry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to some groups, and superior to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at people thru their their colors, facial features, genetics, their languages, cultures, country of their birth, and judge them accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not connect with anyone on being-ness level instead always look for surface level things and judge them and dismiss them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize, I don’t connect with others on being-ness level because I have not connected with my own being-ness, I am separated from myself, from my body, therefore separation already exist in me, which is simply extended to ‘others’, racism is actually self-racism, the separation against myself.

To heal any sort of racism, I have to heal the separation that exist within me, to bring all parts of me together as one. Until such time , the ‘other’ will exist, and racism will exist, at least within my mind.

When and as I see myself accessing any one of million thoughts and judgments I have about other people in terms of racial stuff, I stop I breathe, I place myself in their shoes, and I bring myself to the understanding that this separating thought I think/judge, is actually a reflection of what I am doing to myself, in that remind myself to stop the self-judgement and self-torture.

I commit myself to breathe to defuse the energies related to racial stuff, realizing that grounding myself in my body, in the physical is the best cure for racism, because it ends the self-separation first.

As within, so without, racism out there can only be healed when self-separation ends. Embrace yourself.

Day 34: changing the system of racism

Always nice to start with a breath, to ground myself before writing, what a struggle to get some writing done, fair to say its not something I look forward to, not yet anyways, but I know its a powerful tool, like farming, have to dig the soil bit by bit before anything can grow.

It’s also a moment to pause, from the rushes of the mind, from activities that keeps me occupied, take my awareness to the body, to be aware of all the chaos that’s going on in my mind, to be aware of my body posture, just noticed I was sitting in a slouched position, immediately corrected myself, sit up straight, fully focused here, in that slouching position the mind can ramble on. Read somewhere a long go that writing is a physical activity which can trigger movements of the being-ness, nice, I have no known evidence of that, but I suppose the proper posture would help.

What is there to write? nothing to write about? well that’s not quiet true, tons of shit going on, all you need is one point to take back to self and write about, take Trump for example, so much emotional frenzy going on, both sides throwing emotional spite at each other, accusing each other, name calling each other, you name it.

Trump’s words are not sweet, words like “send her back”, they cause no direct harm, so reacting to them is not wise, it only fuels the energy exchange, just ignore the fellow and focus on real problems and real solutions. People are so quick to name call him, its unbelievable, but have to take this point back to myself, have I not name-called people, of course I have, so that’s the point of correction, growing up back in Sri-Lanka I viewed anyone from the other ethnic group as a racist, a danger, often yes I did experience personal danger just because I don’t belong to their ethnicity, so often my reactions would be to name call, judge them etc, absolutely no understanding about where those people stood, their brainwashing etc, even to this day when I see any ethnic news from SL that voice comes up, “you racist bastards”, luckily I don’t carry on with that voice, not even much anger now, this is one clear area where desteni tools have helped me.

Obviously I am not stupid to put myself in harm’s way and walk into bunch of racially charged mad men who are thirst for some blood, its happening still, and I will run, immigrate, do anything to get away, if possible work to the change the system. I was equally a racist, I hated them with passion, I hated their majority power over me, their daily threats, eventual burning down of my house in 1983, where thousands died in the racial riots and the civil war began. Of course I hated them, revenge is natural, its been sometime now I had ‘let go’ of this, had it not for the desteni tools, I would still be a racist, wishing, hoping, cheering for next act of revenge to happen, during the war years cheering for my side was like cheering my cricket team, it gave such sweet pleasure, something felt so good in me as war numbers rolled out. In 2009 the war ended with my side got wiped out, but hated or anger doesnt’ go away just because the war ended, it just get suppressed.

Nowadays in SL, there is a different war has started, the majority ethnic group had enough with my ethnic group, so now they have turned their wrath on the 2nd minority group, the Muslims, so that’s kind of interesting to see how hegemony find different targets. But had I taken birth in that group, I would have been brainwashed with same supremacist views and would no doubt target the minorities, its all a question what systems got planted in your head as a child, what systems you inherited from the generations before.

In SL, how even the nicest people in my view, could flip into a racially charged rant with smallest of triggers, even those so-called religious people, including priests are not spared, it was hoped at least the church would be a sanctuary for majority and minority members of the catholic faith to congregate as a community of Christ, nope, no such luck, the majority prayed for their government military’s victory while the tamil minority prayed to be protected from the government military’s onslaught, obviously the contradictory prayers can’t be prayed during the mass, and God would be confused out of his ass. lol.

Such is the nature of racism. You’re lucky if you don’t have this virus, hatred towards others just because they dont’ speak like you, look like you, dress like you, eat like you, work like you, live like you, or share the same cultural, national, linguist or historical similarities like you.

Racism will only end when people individually change, of course systematic racism we can change by changing the laws of the land, otherwise slavery would still be legal today, but the real actual change is when that virus is removed from the mind consciousness, and it has been done, there are people living proof of this.

So back to Trump, its a mind system that is running wild, I certainly dont’ have any moral authority name call him as a racist. I remember it’s Obama who obliterated Libya and its people, who are still crippled from that invasion, now that’s a kind of racism too, to invade another country and wipe them out.

If we keep going back into history like this, there is no end to what humans have done to each other, Iraq, Libya or Rwanda for that matter is just a drop in the bucket. Obviously eye for an eye will make the whole world blind, to reword another’s wise words.

So what’s the solution to racism? forgiveness, specifically self-forgiveness, certainly not judgment or name-calling, but the forgiveness of self, to remove this virus, while changing the laws to prevent history from repeating itself.

Hopefully Iran wouldn’t join Libya and Iraq, but never know, the momentum of the mind systems could wipe out another country or two, so can’t predict the future. Yet heaven on earth is very much predictable if each take responsibility to correct this virus of hate, anger, and fear, it has to start somewhere, it has to start with self, may be someday it might reach the globe.

And my responsibility is to walk this racist points within, in my own life how I dealt with racism, hate, in both direction, and heal myself with self-forgiveness, though I have come a long way in this, still bits left there awaiting correction.

to be continued….. till then enjoy these words of common sense:

Day 33: Write regularly

Writing is a form of release: ( in this 2 part series Anu mentioned that: https://eqafe.com/p/how-to-live-in-harmony-and-peace-part-1-part-142).

As you write, energy is detached from the thoughts, memories, past events, and released to earth, something like that. Bernard also mentioned, “write if you can, daily, take that ego apart”.

I have missed writing on a regular basis, by regular I mean at least 3 times a week, giving myself that opportunity to sit down and unwind some of my crazy thoughts on paper, to release their energies. Every thought is a like a burden, it can be, specially those judgmental, fearful, opinionated thoughts about self and others, because thoughts are energies, extracted by mining the physical, so writing more regularly can assist in releasing these energies. Its been almost a 3 weeks since my last blog, so time to write some today, and to commit myself to write at least 3 times a week.

Lot’s of judgments, anger, pity, lust, desires, fear, rage, sadness, revenge, depression, all these in various forms have occupied my mind lately, it just they get shuffled to a side with more ‘happy’ stuff like constant entertainment, sports, porn, politics, work, etc, there are things to keep the mind busy with, only small part of it is practical stuff, but the rest is entertainment, or simple preoccupation to avoid taking responsibility for the mind. Here only talking about the surface level thoughts, but who knows what really going on in detail about the reasons why I have certain thoughts etc, the secret mind if you will.

So I commit myself to write more regularly, at least 3 times a week, as I see/realize and understand, the extent of my secret mind and thoughts that needs to be grounded, released thru writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize writing is a process of accumulation, to see its benefits I have to write consistently, on a regular basis, otherwise I am just dipping my toes in the waters every now and then, but never really dive in, in that only fooling myself, in the meantime mind is accumulating with thoughts and its energies, unreleased and out of control, only the lid of entertainment and preoccupations give any resemblance of sanity, otherwise fair to say my mind and its contents are pretty insane, so need to take them apart.