In the last qck session with Kim, we found a polarity that I have been living and defining myself as. that is I am all happy and secure when I am with others, the positive polarity, and all depressed and sad when alone, the negative polarity. This definition, mostly the negative definition what I have accepted myself as, and I also seek the positive end because often I am living at the negative end of the polarity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself, define who I am as a polarity based construct, limiting myself to the positive end and negative end, and within that swing back and forth, craving for the positive end yet often living at the negative end.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘all happy and excited, all secure and safe, all belonged together, we are one team, we are all happy, we are all united, strong together etc’ as the positive high-end of the polarity. Within this i forgive myself to create that part of the belief, seek that high-end by looking to create that high/positive end. I forgive myself for not seen/realizing that I have created an idea and have been searching that all my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase a belief system, the high-end of the polarity, where I am looking, seeking, searching, chasing the togetherness, the happy one family, one team, the secure togetherness with others, not seen realizing I have created a trap for myself, a mirage, where I am chasing something based on my mind’s idea, instead of looking what is here, this moment, the togetherness of all life here, humans, things, animals, I am equal and one with them all, there already exist the unity, the ‘one family’, the bond, already existing, yet what I am searching is an idea about it, a feeling about it, to feel that bond, to feel belong, to feel accepted, to feel connected, these are all ideas of the mind, which I am looking to project and create out in the physical reality, in that I am only manipulating, picking and choosing who and when, instead of accepting all that is here as life. in this I see I create insider vs outsider divisions, where I see some as cool, yeh ‘lets be together’, ‘lets enjoy time and space together’ yet with some others I clearly discard them, in this I see insider vs outsider notions already exist within me, just that when its done unto me I react, I quit, yet i allow myself to do the same unto others.
I forgive myself for searching for this magical ‘togetherness’ with others, to feel happy, to feel belong, to feel accepted, not seen/realizing when I am here as me as this physical body, like a plant sitting here, not wanting anything in particular, I am with all, I am together with all, the togetherness is given, need not be created as my mind suggest.
I also realize yes we have to ‘create’ this togetherness, it’s not going to fall from the skies, have to build relationships, friends, have to connect with people, but not to be done from the perspective of ‘wanting a togetherness’, there is no real wanting of it, because togetherness is already here, its given, what I am creating is the physical space and time, where we can come ‘together’, not creating the togetherness itself. we are all already one and equal. so when I walk into a gathering, a group, a relationship, I will not be looking to connect or create togetherness, I am only giving it a physical form, time, space, expression. I have no lack when I am in any group or relationship context. Lack and craving is not the starting point. What I have to create is the form of the togetherness, like meeting a friend for coffee, or starting a new relationship, its only a form, whereas the togetherness itself with others is given, this is the missing link. I have been insanely searching for something that is already given to all. Life is here already equal and one, present together as one.
When and as I see myself seeking that magical togetherness, that elated feeling of high, wanting to be accepted, belonged etc, I stop and I breathe, I tell myself that I am chasing an idea of my mind, chasing a feeling, a wanting, a neediness, instead I will remind myself that ‘togetherness’ is here already, all life is equal and one, and life is substance of all things, which is already here together as one, hence my chase makes no sense. I will remind myself to engage with people as equals, no insiders vs outsiders, no cool, no uncool, all are here as physical bodies, equal in substance.
it is dreadful to live this chase, I realize becoming alive and life would mean simply being here, utilizing breathing as self-support. Only from here, intimacy is possible, otherwise I am simply manipulating others for a profitable life, even the so-called togetherness is done for a profitable life.
to be continued.
all the keys are here: