Day 4: giving up is easy

When it rains it pours they say, had multiple points to take responsibility for, they were all rushing at once yesterday.

first things first, bill payments, merciless money system wont’ tolerate any late payments, it will take action. The notice I received was not nice, so before it becomes a real problem, sort it out, fighting the money system is stupid. I am only compounding the stress level with things piling up, get it out-of-the-way, get it done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the money system lightly not seen/realizing that it will strike back hard as possible when money/bills are not dealt with properly in time. I also realize when bills are not paid in time it has consequences to the companies that collect the money, to make their own payments, salaries to their workers etc, so it has a tickle down effect when I dont’ make the payments on time. They depend on it regardless of how rich the company is. This is not a donation, but payment for a service provided.  I have always been late on bill payments, not that I am unwilling to spend the money, just some sort of laziness creeps in, until a point of lateness is reached, then I rush to make the payments.  its unwilling to consider consequence of what they must face when I am late, it’s a form of dont’ care.

I forgive myself for living the words “don’t care”, in the form disregarding bill payments until its way too late.

I forgive myself for living the words “dont’ care”, “dont’ give a damn”. but why do I do this? making the way for self-sabotage? am I inviting sabotage?

I forgive myself for subtly inviting self-sabotage towards me in the form of disregarding bill payments.

I forgive myself for creating self-sabotage.

I forgive myself for secretly wanting to sabotage myself, it’s easier that way, than having to make things orderly and proper, in time.

I forgive myself for secretly wishing a life of chaos, ruin, disorder, decay, even death, because I believe living a proper orderly constructive life is hard and perhaps it’s not for me.

I forgive myself for inviting chaos, disorder, decay, within the belief that i don’t deserve a fulfilling life.

I forgive myself for not giving, creating myself a fulfilling life.

I forgive myself for believing that I dont’ deserve a fulfilling life, hence, must go out-of-the-way to create self-sabotage.

I know many a times I have created sabotage for myself, not just with missing bill payments, in the areas of jobs, relationships, disasters have been created. It’s easy to give up, its easy to live the words, “giving up”. yeh its difficult to live the words “creation”, “doing”, “achieving”.

I realize all the stresses that came from yesterday’s multiple points were related to the sense of “dont’ care”, “dont’ give a damn”, “who cares”, all inviting, leading to self-sabotage. this is an old pattern, inviting destruction, because its easy, sort of self-created entropy.

when and as I see myself applying the words “dont’ care”, “dont’ give a damn”, I stop I breathe. I realize this is the old road to self-sabotage, therefore I commit myself to breathe and take actions, exercise due diligence, walk the steps, get things done, otherwise I am inviting self-sabotage in small steps which eventually accumulate.

Same at work, issues are piling up, because with some issues I took the “dont’ care” approach, instead of seen all issues with equality, every issue equally matters, only the priority to complete them differs, therefore I commit myself to see all issues with equal attention, not disregarding till they come to bite me, come to sabotage. I stop this self-sabotage pattern by giving equal attention to all points within the moments of breathe. I can only do one thing at a time, in one breath at a time, but attention is equal to all points.

all the keys are here.

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