Day 8: renunciation

Its Monday morning, mourning, what is that I am mourning, end of a weak-ed, not having free time, not being under work stress. it’s all in my hands, it’s all what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as under stress, define myself as under stress, in the search to be free. here I have defined freedom as ‘having nothing to do’, so any task, I equate as not having freedom hence under stress, always rushing to get to that magical freedom. Living in a world, implies things to do, task to accomplish, yes some are easy task, some are challenging, in this I see/realize how my definition of freedom, has domed me, placed me under stress. I am allowing this.

work, job means finishing tasks, certainly in the areas of engineering, software development, challenges can be tough, but that’s part of the puzzle, excitement to resolve complex puzzles, but why is this stressing me out? its my definition.

I mean what is freedom then, free from work, free from all tasks, responsibilities? sitting under a  tree sipping coffee all day, I see some homeless people sitting around just aimlessly doing nothing, or rather nothing to do, just relaxing their endless freedom from ‘worldly tasks, and responsibilities’, for some it may have started as ‘wanting to be free’, but obviously homeless life is anything but free, survival worries must be endless. I think it is a religious brainwashing I acquired long ago, where give up all, renounce the world and worldly matters, and just be free, roam around the sacred forest and streets like those ancient sadhus (monks) in India, who seems to be so free, free from endless commitments and responsibilities, with zero care for anything but their own spiritual enlightenment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that endless roaming around like a sadhu as freedom, having no tasks and responsibilities as freedom. within this I forgive myself for creating stress whenever a task or responsibilities is placed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as caged down, locked down, imprisoned by responsibilities and tasks of my worldly life hence I forgive myself for defining freedom as running away from all that like a renounced monk.

I forgive myself for wishing, desiring, and believing that those monks are so free, having endless joys and freedom, therefore I must also give up all and be free like them. this is the religious conditioning, I have allowed and accepted within myself, where I have created a despise and disregard for taking responsibilities and tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the idea of renunciation is a total brainwash whose sole purpose is to help reject responsibilities and create this magical fantasy called freedom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize true freedom is accomplishing all responsibilities, and tasks at hand, getting this done, standing as a pillar of trust and care-taker who is trustworthy, reliable and responsible, who can get the job done. Not as someone who is dreaming of wondering like a sadhu without any care or concern just aimless free, that’s the brainwashed religious idea of freedom, well it worked in India kept unemployed off the job market, no wonder there are more monks than rats back home, it’s the religious brainwashed search for freedom, running away from everything.

I forgive myself for accepting the religious beliefs and ideas behind renunciation. Instead I place myself here, at the eye of the storm, taking responsibilities, taking on the tasks at hand one breath at time, one task at a time, getting things done, moving myself thru the storm by getting things done, however complex or challenging they are, focus on one thing at a time.

where is the stress in this? real stress in this world is having no food, no shelter, no survival means, no money, no security, no income, no connections, no old age savings, no healthcare, no safety, constantly living under the threat of the money systems that is merciless.

So I see/realize my stress is all mind made, not real, based only on religious ideas of freedom and renunciation. no more, get on with things.

all the keys are here.

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