Day 9: self-spite

Ten years ago this thanksgiving weekend I flew back to Ottawa from the US for a big event in my life, looking back the odd thing was how much backchat I had about stuff, a feeling of being used, feeling of being tricked into, manipulated, all with money as the central point. And now the whole story has vanished into thin air as if it never happened. What I am seen about myself is lack of gratitude on my part, as part of starting a new life journey at that point, I should yes I should have, stepped in with gratitude, come what may, instead I walked in with backchat, even slight bitterness, anger, I mean WTF was I doing?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show anger, bitterness, even spite in my backchat within the belief that I was being “tricked into something”, that I was manipulated into something with “money as the central point”. Now I see/realize how mistaken I was about all that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lack gratitude in my life for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not step in with gratitude, that we’re starting a new life journey, therefore give my absolute best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my absolute worse instead of giving my absolute best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to believe that others are there to trick me, manipulate me, and therefore they really dont’ deserve my gratitude for been part of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rank and file people in my life, instead of embracing them all as life as one and equal as me, and giving, sharing my best self to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at some point take people for granted, to be careless about them, almost reach to the point of ‘I dont’ give a fuck about you anymore’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have disregard for others, within this I forgive myself for having a disregard for myself which eventually comes out as disregard for others. Mistrust in myself comes out as mistrust in others, lack of self-care and concern for myself comes out as eventual disregard for others, ultimately leading to zero gratitude and spite for them for being part of my life. Its like I hate you for being part of my life, like I hate you for caring for me, or loving me, or for being concerned about me. How dare you that you love me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize the root cause is self, its my own disregard for myself, my own mistrust in myself, my own low view about myself that made me strangely be angry about a person who wanted to start a new life journey with me, in fact I was throwing spite at the person for that. wow.

Where was gratitude, well there is no room for gratitude because I was boiling in spite, self-spite, coming out at others thru one excuse or other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-spiteful, in that way always mistrusting, misjudging others, specially if they claim to love me or show any care for me.

So back to the event, the journey, the person, forgive me, dear R, I gave my absolute worse to you, because it is what I have been giving to myself and living as, and you dont’ deserve my self-spite, and the consequences were ample. And I am forgiving myself for all that I was, and lived as.

Now, ten years later, sitting alone at the rock bottom of my life, like a dead man, I am writing/walking my journey back to life, forgiveness, self-forgiveness is my key to overcome my deep-seated self-spite. I hope you too will someday forgive me, but somehow that’s irrelevant.

I am grateful not all is lost, I am still walking my life, still long way to go, there is hope someday I will live the word gratitude, not taking anyone for granted, not throwing spite at anyone.

I commit myself to this journey of self-correction and taking self-responsiblity to remove the self-spite I have been living as for so long.

all the keys are here.

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