Day 21: The barrier

There is a retirement party today of a senior colleague, I am committed to go, but as usual already feeling unease, little fear about social side of things. Obviously this is a deep-seated pattern, again and again keep reminding me to stay out of such events. in one word it is self-judgement, because people tend to react to the mood, attitude, energies I carry within myself, and those things are nothing but what I am accepting and allowing within myself, based on fears, memories, hopes, wants, ideas, desires, likes and dislikes. Yeh the principle of likes and dislikes is a big one, equally the the principle of being liked and disliked.

If i didn’t know anyone there, and today is the first day of my job, how would i attend this event? I will have no clue about who is who, who is cool, who is uncool, all those ideas will not have formed, I will be forced to interact equally with all, no memories about anyone. obviously with memories come all the stuff, like and dislike. And hiding and isolation is really I am trying to hide from my own memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself hide myself from everyone, in the hope that they wont’ trigger my memories and fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself everyone, in the hope that its safe for me, dont’ have to ‘deal with anything’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to isolate myself from life’s moments that are unfolding for me, moments that will be gone forever, I mean how often does a person retire, and should I find an excuse to avoid his party, I would avoid that moment forever, not willing to share myself with others in the celebration of life moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged, but not seen/realizing my own judgments of myself are the real problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my own unease within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize my own beliefs and ideas about myself are the causes and reasons why I am avoiding life’s moments. Its like I have barricaded myself with my own ideas and beliefs and memories, so no one is able connect with me, yet I blames others thinking they are ‘not connecting’ with me, but in truth, I have barricaded myself due to fears, judgments, memories, being liked and disliked etc. I have to understand this self-made barrier that is in full control of my life that is cutting me off from basically everyone. There have been moments where in the presence of some people I have experience a total letting go of this barrier I am talking about, and experienced a complete sense of being at ease with myself, though they didn’t do anything, just their own self-ease helped me access my self-ease, to let go of this self-barrier for once.  Obviously the key is to access that self-ease within myself as a normal thing, not needing wanting always others to give that to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become my own barrier, a barrier of life, someone who barricade himself and others, not open, not inviting, not including, not embracing, not reaching out, rather full of judgments and self-judgments, in that fears are born and perpetuated.  I realize this barrier can be observed and deconstructed only by life’s moment by moment, living the committed solutions in every moment of breath. I commit myself to observe this barrier pattern within me and walk the solutions.

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