It has been ages since I got this angry, over a phone conversation with my brother, who mention to me about a brewing toxic situation with our elderly parents, who live with him. An extreme rush of energy, judgement, memories, rage flooded into my mind and body, lasting nearly 24hrs, so much so, I had to call in sick at work, it was chaotic. I dont’ know where to start this event’s deconstruction process, yeh I do feel shame that I lost my mind to that degree, my Mind Conscious System is 100% intact and in control, its an illusion to believe that I have changed even a bit, the machine could take over in extreme untested conditions. There also lies the chance for extreme responsibility. I guess I have to wait for my next extreme trigger to test myself.
Besides, how on earth, will I face demons if I cant’ deal with the rage that comes within me. Facing demons face to face is something I fancy, I think that’s the real test. Besides if you can’t face them, you can’t support them. If you react to demons in anyway whatsoever you can’t support them, because then the demons will know you’re a bullshitter. Before I am ready to face demons out there, let me start with what’s within me, and immediate folks in my life, who got enough triggers to bring the demon out of me.
If I cant’ face the demon inside me, there is no way I can support anyone. There is this feeling I have, yeh I can deal with anyone except my parents, well. I recall some Anu interviews where he mention the allocation of parents of a child, i.e the design of family system, is to maximize the emotional mind generation. The design was not, ‘let’s give this child the best parents for a best lifetime experience’, no, the rule was how can this family situation be for maximum mind-energy output. That was the guiding rule back then, and seen myself with my parents, the design is at work perfectly. Not blaming anyone, but this is the design of things from way back when. If I can’t take responsibility for anything toxic here, its a huge setback. And trying to demonize the people who triggers things in me, doest’ work either.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize and understand the design of family system, the design behind the allocation of parents, siblings, and others in my life from early childhood, where the rule was to maximize mind emotional energy generation.
Within this design rule, my family is no exception, the system is running perfectly as designed. I have this understanding after listening to 100s if not 1000s of portal interviews, I have the understanding about the workings of things. Yet I believe that my parents and others are deliberate nasty fuckers, there is no peace of mind until they disappear from my scene. My understandings drop to zero when it comes to my own folks.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and allow extreme rage towards my parents and believe that’s ok, completely forgetting the mechanics of their mind design and the design of family system. we are living as we are designed to live, but with this understanding, I have a great responsibility to not react, not judge, not demonize, basically I have the responsibility to stand as the eye of the storm, and not turn myself into a demon who will demolish everything and everyone to find peace, a peace demon.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize that folks in my family are living as designed, they have no understanding at all about anything, how to stop or change their emotions, patterns etc, but I do, so I forgive myself for wanting to break them down and destroy them so I can have peace, not seen/realizing the greatest responsibility is with me, to stand as the eye of the storm, simply because others do not know what they are doing, and they are doing what was designed way back then.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify breaking down my parents and others, within the belief that I am doing so for peace in the family and for peace within myself. Yeh destroy them so I can be peaceful. This is what a peace demon looks like, it seeks to destroy, ambush, break down, attack, humiliate, gossip, etc etc to bring about peace.
I commit myself to undo the peace demon construct within me, the demon that destroys anyone and anything for peace.
I realize the toxic environment my brother described over the phone is a reflection of our unchecked minds, sadly, nobody has the understanding how to stop it, but I do, therefore the greatest responsibility lies within me in my family context to change this toxic situation, perhaps there wont’ by much change to their living situation , but certainly I can change my reactions.