After listening to this life review interview, the loss of a friend, and death of me, I got some points to do this blog, basically the being lost a nearest dearest childhood friend which sent her to a slow death of her own, in the form of not eating, not wanting to do anything, lacking motivation to live, etc etc, a complete mind shutdown per her own words, and eventually that led to her physical death.
She mentioned the words ‘mind relationships’ where the mind seeks exclusive relationships, meaning “I can’t live without you, you complete me, you’re everything to me, my whole purpose to exist is you”, etc etc. This is the point relevant to me in this blog, “mind relationships” of exclusivity.
She went on to say, see everyone is as you, meeting of self, so all relationships are a chance to meet self, but the mind likes to ‘divide and conquer’, it likes to create this ‘exclusivity’ and define itself thru others, “you complete me”, “you define my entire existence”. Of course in long term relationships/partnerships like marriage, there is some degree of exclusivity, “we are for each other”, “to support and assist” each other, forming an agreement to share life, to enjoy life, to expand and grow etc, of course there will be some sadness and sense of loss should one partner dies, but not a total mind shutdown like what this being experienced in her life review.
Its been long since I “lost” mine, but fair to say recovery hasn’t been that easy, so much so, there is a slight form of mind shutdown, my life is in slow motion, as if I am slowly shutting down overcome by grief, sadness, anger, betrayal etc. But the root of this is the creation of ‘mind relationships’, where I allowed this person to define me entirely, the person was the one for me, my entire existence was that person. And now, there is emptiness, a hole, as if I could never fill it again, my mind is saying, ‘nobody can fill that exclusive spot’, ‘nobody can replace that exclusive position that person held’, etc, all are signs of ‘mind relationships’. Not just in marriage/relationship context, I have experienced this in normal social/family/coworker type relationships, where I define some as ‘exclusively mine’ and others are I am absolutely not interested in, so much so, I couldn’t give a damn if they live or die. Mind relationships not only takes the form of exclusivity with special ones, but also goes to the extent to dismiss non-special ones as worthless rodents who should be dismissed and disregarded. I can see where I have done all this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define some as ‘exclusively mine/mind’, in that forming the basis of mind relationships, where I completely define myself thru others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the special ones define me, and I cannot exist without them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize every meeting is self meeting self, yet I have allowed my mind to define it as ‘exclusive’, mine and mine only.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness and loss when these exclusive mind relationships end, not seen/realizing extensive sadness is a sign of mind relationship, where the mind has defined itself thru others so much so “I can’t live without you” becomes a living reality upon the loss of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to systermize relationships, meaning turning relationships into mind systems, that feeds the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut myself off towards some people thinking and believing them to be ‘neutral or negative’, meaning they don’t feed me with positive energy, so they are not special to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create special people, not so special and boring people, categorizing them into positive, neutral and negative groups.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize with special relationships I simply have put them into ‘positive’ category, where they continue give me high positive feelings, within that I forgive myself for creating the dependency for positive category of people or relationships I have.
So when the positive group relationships end, I experience sadness, because it is what I have defined myself as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entirely define myself and depend on the positive group of people or relationships I have created and categorized.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize every meeting is self meeting self, regardless of the positive, neutral, or negative boxes I may have put them in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close off meeting people whom I instantly judge as negative or neutral.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize what I am after is positive energy, positive feelings, just feelings, not ever really interested in getting know another as myself, or having cool communications with them, but just want some doses of energy to feel good, to feel happy. In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn happiness into a mind system.
When and as I see myself reacting to people with positive, negative or neutral attitudes, I stop and I breathe, to remind myself this is the start of mind relationships, where the association is entirely to feed the mind in one way or another, it has nothing to do with support and assisting the being or getting to know them.
I commit myself to remind myself every meeting is self meeting self, therefore ask the question, “if I were this person, how would I like to be supported”, in that approach the moment with practical considerations, in that not allowing ‘mind relationships’ to take root.